Red nail polish

2 days ago I got scared. Maybe everything isn't ok with my health. As the daughter of a breast cancer survivor and a granddaughter of my mom's mom who also had the disease, I've carried the thought of the resl possibility of getting the "C" since I was in my early 2o's. Something is wrong. We don't know what yet. The tests have to be done and the followup appointments have to be made. For probably the first time in my life, except when I had this irrational fear I would die while giving birth to my kids, I became scared for my health. The reality is this could be something small or..... something else. I got home from my appointment and there was my youngest daughter Corinne. 3 years old. I usually carry a mental to do list in my head and try to keep the kids occupied while I accomplish my "oh-so-important" tasks. But I paused and saw Corinne. Corinne's biggest joy in life is doing her nails. Putting nail polish on. I don't know where she gets that from since I haven't worn polish since my wedding and those fake nails fell off a week after the honeymoon! Corinne wanted to do her nails. She climbed on the counter and got down the bright red nail polish from the cabinet. And for the next half hour, with the TV off, we did our nails. Actually I did her nails and toe nails, but then she gave me a gift and said, "Mommy, you do your nails." And we did our nails. Suddenly, I wasn't scared anymore. I drank in the preciousness of that moment with my little girl whose whole world came down to bright red nail polish and her mommy. Her mommy who was finally present and calm and sitting down. Red nail polish. The recipe for courage to me.

Ok, forget that!

So.... I am thinking I really am more anxious than my last post alluded to. Now I am sitting in the very real unknown. And I realize I do not naturally like the unknown. I pretend I do at times to seem more adventurous, more exotic, more full of faith... but the reality is I like to know what I am dealing with. And the raw truth of this moment is I feel nervous and scared. The kind of scared that can seize me if I do not discipline it at every moment. If I do not intentionally move into my day and not let it get the best of me. To intentionally throw myself at Jesus' feet and ask Him to hold me. Which I do not like to do very often because I feel so out of control. Control... ha! So maybe I'll be able to just sit with the unknown and trust. I tell people, I encourage people to do that everyday. Now I have been shown my seat in the chair of faith. Will it hold me? How long do I need to sit there? Jesus, come pull up a chair next to me because I need a Friend.

Ok, I'll give more details of what's going on soon. Just walk with me in the silence for now.. thank you!

A Gracious Interuption

Yesterday life was interrupted. Funny how you can be going along, picking our Halloween costumes, packing lunches and settling fights about who gets the last Capri Sun and then... stop, wait a minute, what's this? I wasn't planning on THAT today. I cannot check it off my to do list. The kind of interruptions that you have no other choice but to address it. I couldn't hide it in the closet. I couldn't ask my mom to take care of it for me today. I must stop... pause...and be in it. That was my interuption today. Although at the current moment I feel uncertain, nervous... afraid, there is this place inside that may be telling me that this may be a gracious interuption. You know what I'm talking about; the kind that divides the mundane from the extraordinary. The kind that divides your life. Life before the interuption and life after. One thing for sure, life will not go back to the way it was. Oh, I'm sure I'll go back to the everyday life but it will now be with new eyes. New feelings. Hopefully new insight and new depth in my life. Hopefully if I submit to it, it will make me more. More of the me I want to be. Give me more of the eyes I want to see life through. More of the heart I want to live from. It's a GRACIOUS interuption.

Have you had one lately?

An unread map

I begin today after some encouragement from a close friend. She told me that I should begin receording, writing, blogging, the random thoughts that come into my head. We enjoy long conversations about things that matter. In fact, I think I've become incapable of small talk! (I'm working on it...) My mind has always gone to introspective places, many times much to my dismay but I've decided to quit fighting it! But she has told me my words have brought some level of encouragement to her life so I thought I would start...

Beware reader (probably only me), the words that follow come from a mind full of random thoughts. Like looking at a map knowing you want to get somewhere and there are many ways to get there. I believe life is choosing the different ways. Taking time to stop at the rest stops and travel spots, historical places that often we pass in our hurry to get to our destination. We then only find that the journey IS the destination (sorry, clique!) but truly it is.

I am too often living in the past or dreaming of the future and I want to be in the now. I am sorting through the many decisions of my life that have led me to this point. Some regrets. Some surprises. Some regrets have left me feeling lost. Some wonderful things, usually in the form of relationships bring me great joy.

I often fear the future because I'm not sure I lived the past so well and maybe I'm really not that good at learning from my mistakes and for those reasons I often feel lost.

But then, in His unmistakable ways, He calls me to rest my heart and my mind and to take His Hand. For He does not see my life the way I see it. And I can only rest in His Presence and love.

So this blog is my beginning attempt to record the mysteries of life and love and relationship and faith and trust and living. Living this life that God has invited us to live..

I don't know what all will come out of my mouth (or keyboard) but it will be my prayer that maybe we can connect in this journey. Enjoy a travel spot here and there and remember that together is where life is found.