Sometimes the best arguments are the ones you have with yourselves. As I reflect over my last writing, I realize there is one element I neglected to consider and acknowledge.
The military uses the term collateral damage as "Unintentional or incidental injury or damage to persons or objects that would not be .....targets" (editing mine). I think of those people who have gotten hurt in the way of a goal or mission that was unintended.
I may have committed some collateral damage. I speak of our kids and a young generation who's plight in life has nothing to do with them. I speak of children whom I see almost everyday in the school's who go home to difficult challenges and pain which they simply inherited. I speak of a young generation who after working themselves through school and see their education as a way out and a new beginning find themselves in the highest unemployment rate since the late 70's. And my previous words do not speak to them.
In fact, they may be the fresh generation we are all looking towards for real change. Change that reflects real situations and answers, based on those values forged in the valley of tough times and pain. We call the previous generation the "Greatest Generation" because they lived through some of this history's darkest times and became the people to lead. I believe this young generation is living that now and we'll get to watch the leadership they provide because of the character built now.
Let's give them a chance.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Fear of Freedom....
As I listen to the unending release of the news of President Obama's and Congress' stimulus package, I feel 2 emotions:
1) Gratitude. Gratitude that something is in progress from our leadership to address the economic crisis that has so many struggling and worrying. This is no longer an abstract situation. Probably all of us know people who have been laid off or their salary cut because businesses are closing. We drive around our streets and see so many not just Mom and Pop businesses with "Going out of Business" signs, but major stores that reflect our capitalistic society. Walk around a mall some day and it will be a leisurely walk because no one is there. Everyone is cutting back and saving all they possibly can because the future seems so unsure. And in times of crisis we naturally look to the desk where the "buck stops" and seek leadership and answers. At times during the last administration, when gas prices seemed to rise without reason, when children continued to come home to grieving parents because their children gave the ultimate sacrifice, when Hurricane Katrina turned our shores into a wasteland in which we liken to third world countries, and when corporate CEOs are awarded immoral bonuses without apparent social or business conscience, we longed to see leadership address these issues and do something. And we felt disappointment. So as Congress passes legislation without much resistance, a part of me is grateful to see something progressing towards change.
However...
The second thought I think and feel is a realization how truly our country in this generation has a fear of freedom. I think this for a couple of reasons:
This generation has witnessed first hand how economic freedom has run a muck. Greed is the dark side of capitalism. A lack of social responsibility leads the motive when greed and money are the goal.
This generation was also raised in a time of great prosperity and is now at a disadvantage because accepting a minimum wage job to work through school and buying a junker with cash instead of making payments seems so backward. Then they reap the consequences. They cannot afford what they want and grew up with and don't have the old school values and character to get it. Ask our grandfathers and anyone who came from another country with nothing (like my father) and ask them how they made a living and a life. They will tell you what it took and I wonder if we in this generation has it within us to do the same. And even though we witnessed this character in our generations before us, we have been seduced by prosperity and now feel deceived because of our own traps of greed and lack of self-control. So we see clearly the dark side of our system.
We now seek leadership to save us from ourselves. We don't know how to handle our freedoms so we long to be led. And we sacrifice our freedoms to be led.
For a long time now, our government will be telling us how to spend money. They will tell us how to run our business. They will actually running our banks and creating our jobs. The government sector will be the place to be for first rate competitive jobs. Essentially, we all will be working for the government and we are all OK with this because we will be taken care of. The worry of having to make so many decisions for ourselves will be gone. We will not be forced to contend with fiscal responsibility and to stretch to grow in character to build our earthly destiny. We no longer will have to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. And we feel relief and are grateful.
Freedom is a heavy burden to carry.
The results of this last election show how many of us are screaming for leadership and are willing to forgo our freedoms to receive it.
This is nothing new in human history. Centuries ago, a people set apart for God's own possession didn't want to be led by a loving and just Father. They screamed for a king so they could be like "all the other nations" and gave up the community that God wanted to have with them. So God granted them earthly kings to lead them as His heart broke. Some kings were good and just. Others in powerful positions abused and wrecked the people and the nation. When we choose to forgo our personal responsibility before God and others, we take the gamble that the persons who lead us will be either just or unjust. And when the longing to be led is overwhelmingly stronger then the desire for freedom, we take the gamble.
Over 200 years ago, this country took a chance on a people being governed by their own. The dream that we would be able to lead ourselves in a country built on shared values in our Declaration was worth giving their lives for. It would have to be advanced citizenship. We would all have to possess a moral center that would keep our greed and social irresponsibility in check and walk the balance beam between personal achievement and community accountability. It was a Declaration of Independence. National independence from a governing country and the pursuit of personal independence. That we are all created and endowed with the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe we have accomplished it for decades. And we have become a great nation. But I believe, just as all societies have turned, we may have begun to swore off those values and are beginning to retreat from our freedoms. It may be necessary for we have not been all that great with the responsibilities given to us by the people who have gone before us. It may be necessary change to save us from ourselves. But I wonder how long will it take before the cry for freedom rings again and another social revolution happens. When we remember we were created to be free.
It is too soon to evaluate what this period in history has done. Will this period be a time of "emergency treatment" so we can be healed and restored to our country's dream? Or will this be the new USA? Based on the past election, we have taken that gamble. Not just by the results, but by the energy, the passion, and the results of ALL who have taken office.
May we all pause as change comes and reflect and respond.
1) Gratitude. Gratitude that something is in progress from our leadership to address the economic crisis that has so many struggling and worrying. This is no longer an abstract situation. Probably all of us know people who have been laid off or their salary cut because businesses are closing. We drive around our streets and see so many not just Mom and Pop businesses with "Going out of Business" signs, but major stores that reflect our capitalistic society. Walk around a mall some day and it will be a leisurely walk because no one is there. Everyone is cutting back and saving all they possibly can because the future seems so unsure. And in times of crisis we naturally look to the desk where the "buck stops" and seek leadership and answers. At times during the last administration, when gas prices seemed to rise without reason, when children continued to come home to grieving parents because their children gave the ultimate sacrifice, when Hurricane Katrina turned our shores into a wasteland in which we liken to third world countries, and when corporate CEOs are awarded immoral bonuses without apparent social or business conscience, we longed to see leadership address these issues and do something. And we felt disappointment. So as Congress passes legislation without much resistance, a part of me is grateful to see something progressing towards change.
However...
The second thought I think and feel is a realization how truly our country in this generation has a fear of freedom. I think this for a couple of reasons:
This generation has witnessed first hand how economic freedom has run a muck. Greed is the dark side of capitalism. A lack of social responsibility leads the motive when greed and money are the goal.
This generation was also raised in a time of great prosperity and is now at a disadvantage because accepting a minimum wage job to work through school and buying a junker with cash instead of making payments seems so backward. Then they reap the consequences. They cannot afford what they want and grew up with and don't have the old school values and character to get it. Ask our grandfathers and anyone who came from another country with nothing (like my father) and ask them how they made a living and a life. They will tell you what it took and I wonder if we in this generation has it within us to do the same. And even though we witnessed this character in our generations before us, we have been seduced by prosperity and now feel deceived because of our own traps of greed and lack of self-control. So we see clearly the dark side of our system.
We now seek leadership to save us from ourselves. We don't know how to handle our freedoms so we long to be led. And we sacrifice our freedoms to be led.
For a long time now, our government will be telling us how to spend money. They will tell us how to run our business. They will actually running our banks and creating our jobs. The government sector will be the place to be for first rate competitive jobs. Essentially, we all will be working for the government and we are all OK with this because we will be taken care of. The worry of having to make so many decisions for ourselves will be gone. We will not be forced to contend with fiscal responsibility and to stretch to grow in character to build our earthly destiny. We no longer will have to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. And we feel relief and are grateful.
Freedom is a heavy burden to carry.
The results of this last election show how many of us are screaming for leadership and are willing to forgo our freedoms to receive it.
This is nothing new in human history. Centuries ago, a people set apart for God's own possession didn't want to be led by a loving and just Father. They screamed for a king so they could be like "all the other nations" and gave up the community that God wanted to have with them. So God granted them earthly kings to lead them as His heart broke. Some kings were good and just. Others in powerful positions abused and wrecked the people and the nation. When we choose to forgo our personal responsibility before God and others, we take the gamble that the persons who lead us will be either just or unjust. And when the longing to be led is overwhelmingly stronger then the desire for freedom, we take the gamble.
Over 200 years ago, this country took a chance on a people being governed by their own. The dream that we would be able to lead ourselves in a country built on shared values in our Declaration was worth giving their lives for. It would have to be advanced citizenship. We would all have to possess a moral center that would keep our greed and social irresponsibility in check and walk the balance beam between personal achievement and community accountability. It was a Declaration of Independence. National independence from a governing country and the pursuit of personal independence. That we are all created and endowed with the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe we have accomplished it for decades. And we have become a great nation. But I believe, just as all societies have turned, we may have begun to swore off those values and are beginning to retreat from our freedoms. It may be necessary for we have not been all that great with the responsibilities given to us by the people who have gone before us. It may be necessary change to save us from ourselves. But I wonder how long will it take before the cry for freedom rings again and another social revolution happens. When we remember we were created to be free.
It is too soon to evaluate what this period in history has done. Will this period be a time of "emergency treatment" so we can be healed and restored to our country's dream? Or will this be the new USA? Based on the past election, we have taken that gamble. Not just by the results, but by the energy, the passion, and the results of ALL who have taken office.
May we all pause as change comes and reflect and respond.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By the shoreline...
I was sitting in church a little while back listening to a message about Jesus. Not too surprising that they would be talking about Jesus, huh? But it was about Jesus. Him. His life. Walking around Palestine in the early first century. Him. The Person. The human. I felt like I was watching a biography of a man. As I listened to the message, I imagined myself in the scenes. I could see the sea of Galilee. I saw the fisherman and their nets coming back from a catch. I imagined the people following closely trying to hear what Jesus was saying. I have my own picture of what Jesus may have looked liked. It's different for all of us, but for me I have this image of a tall, lean, dark haired man which is probably an amalgam of all the movie star Jesus' I have seen in my life. But unlike the movies, this Jesus is unusually approachable. Touchable. That in his very eyes you can tell He's genuinely glad to see you. Like an old friend that no matter how much time has gone by, you pick up right where you left off. I like this Jesus I see as I listen.
The pastor goes on to retell a story of Jesus calling Peter as a follower. That something in that call was so compelling, Peter left everything to follow him. Maybe it also was something in Peter's past or present that contributed to that act of utter abandonment. Maybe fishing just wasn't doing it for Peter. Oh, it made a living. Got him out on the sea waters everyday. Fishing made him strong and gave him his place in the world he lived in. It was a fine life. Until....
Until another option was presented before him and his eyes were open to another life. Another calling. Another adventure. And Peter would never be able to go back to his old worldview. There. Now. There IS something more. There CAN be more. And it was all wrapped up in the voice of this strange man from Nazareth. Follow Me, Jesus says.
As I listened to the speaker, my eyes filled with tears. Tears from a place that had not fallen for such a long time. For now I was standing on the shore. And Jesus was looking at me and calling me to follow Him... again. I came to a decision about Jesus when I was 13. I began to follow Jesus. My life and how I saw life and people and relationships and my purpose were never the same. I began an adventure of knowing that as I walked with Jesus, in places He would go, I was walking a different path than what my limited vision could imagine before. All of a sudden, my conversations and decisions and how I treated people and how I spent my time diverted unto a new path.
For almost 30 years I have walked this path. Stumbling at times. Struggling with the direction the path went. At times feeling utterly alone in it. But also experiencing the highest of mountain tops that it was hard to imagine anything better. Being on the front lines of seeing eternal life change and knowing that God loved me so much that He gave me a small part in it.
And after all those years, when it would be easy to fall into a "I've got this down" attitude about walking with Jesus...when some would sum up the mystery of this adventure in 10 easy steps... I sat amazed again at the truth as I stood there on the shoreline. Not feeling like I had many impressive things to bring to the table, Jesus was looking at me and asking me again.. follow Me. I am amazed at the power in His words. I am comforted by the gentleness with which He says them. I am filled by the love through which they are communicated. And I feel the choseness which I am being invited into.
Follow Me, He says. I'm not going to tell you where we are headed all the time.
Follow Me. I'm not going to promise you that it will be painless or you will leave unscathed.
Follow Me. I will not promise you popularity or world influence or position or power.
Follow Me. I will lead. I will walk with you. I am here. I choose you.
Follow Me.
And today, again, I drop my nets and follow. Thanks, Jesus.
The pastor goes on to retell a story of Jesus calling Peter as a follower. That something in that call was so compelling, Peter left everything to follow him. Maybe it also was something in Peter's past or present that contributed to that act of utter abandonment. Maybe fishing just wasn't doing it for Peter. Oh, it made a living. Got him out on the sea waters everyday. Fishing made him strong and gave him his place in the world he lived in. It was a fine life. Until....
Until another option was presented before him and his eyes were open to another life. Another calling. Another adventure. And Peter would never be able to go back to his old worldview. There. Now. There IS something more. There CAN be more. And it was all wrapped up in the voice of this strange man from Nazareth. Follow Me, Jesus says.
As I listened to the speaker, my eyes filled with tears. Tears from a place that had not fallen for such a long time. For now I was standing on the shore. And Jesus was looking at me and calling me to follow Him... again. I came to a decision about Jesus when I was 13. I began to follow Jesus. My life and how I saw life and people and relationships and my purpose were never the same. I began an adventure of knowing that as I walked with Jesus, in places He would go, I was walking a different path than what my limited vision could imagine before. All of a sudden, my conversations and decisions and how I treated people and how I spent my time diverted unto a new path.
For almost 30 years I have walked this path. Stumbling at times. Struggling with the direction the path went. At times feeling utterly alone in it. But also experiencing the highest of mountain tops that it was hard to imagine anything better. Being on the front lines of seeing eternal life change and knowing that God loved me so much that He gave me a small part in it.
And after all those years, when it would be easy to fall into a "I've got this down" attitude about walking with Jesus...when some would sum up the mystery of this adventure in 10 easy steps... I sat amazed again at the truth as I stood there on the shoreline. Not feeling like I had many impressive things to bring to the table, Jesus was looking at me and asking me again.. follow Me. I am amazed at the power in His words. I am comforted by the gentleness with which He says them. I am filled by the love through which they are communicated. And I feel the choseness which I am being invited into.
Follow Me, He says. I'm not going to tell you where we are headed all the time.
Follow Me. I'm not going to promise you that it will be painless or you will leave unscathed.
Follow Me. I will not promise you popularity or world influence or position or power.
Follow Me. I will lead. I will walk with you. I am here. I choose you.
Follow Me.
And today, again, I drop my nets and follow. Thanks, Jesus.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Presence....
My littlest one, Corinne, has this saying that has become such a regular part of her vocabulary. Often she will come to me, dance around and inform me that she needs to go "potty". I tell her, "Go, honey..." then she will say it... "I want you to come...." So I run down to the kids' bathroom with her, she sits down and says, "Sit here, mommy". (She is referring to the edge of the bathtub, just for clarification!) Sometimes I stay. Sometimes I tell her I'll be in the kitchen, or folding laundry or doing something, oh so important. But she always asks. Always tells me, "I want you to come." Corinne doesn't need me to help her. She is fully capable of going potty on her own. But she wants me to be there. My presence. To be with her.
Corinne has a tough time when she goes to a class by herself, to church school by herself, when I have to leave to work or shop or whatever and she will be home with Nana or Grandma. She won't go into dance class and I had to sit with her in her preschool class for the first 3 weeks. We eventually dropped both of those! She doesn't like it when I am not there. If I were truly honest, which I will be here, I wish it wasn't always so tough to leave her. To leave her when Matt and I go out for a date night, or to small group, or I am teaching. I wish we could avoid the tears and the difficult prying of fingers off of me. I wish I could drop her off at Sunday school without the emotion and just be able to sit through the service wondering if the beeper will go off because she was crying. Oh, she's fine 2 minutes after I leave her. I'm hardly off the driveway and my mom tells me she's playing and laughing and being her silly self. Her teachers at church tell me the same thing. I know it's good for her to spend time with her grandparents and be a part of different things, but we still go through this everytime!
"I want you to come..."
Presence. I was thinking today, 2 days before we celebrate the birth of Jesus, the promised Savior, that presence may actually be the greatest gift to give. Jesus was foretold that His name would be Emmanuel. God with us. That our Heavenly Father knew our greatest need would be met through God coming near. That just His very presence, in the form of that little vulnerable baby would bring us hope and peace and comfort.
Isn't it true that when life is hard and cloudy and strangely unfamiliar, like finding yourself on a road you've never been before, that just the very presence of another who loves you is comforting? That when pain hits, just having someone there makes all the difference? I found that out again these past several weeks that even though no one could change my situation or make the fear go, just their presence gave me rungs on my ladder of hope and kept me climbing. And when life is full of celebration, we long for the presence of close ones to multiply the joy. Presence.
So in this season with so much talk of presents, maybe the focus should be on presence. Our greatest need being met through one another and through the ultimate gift of a Loving Father. Jesus. Emmanuel. God with us. Presence.
Corinne has a tough time when she goes to a class by herself, to church school by herself, when I have to leave to work or shop or whatever and she will be home with Nana or Grandma. She won't go into dance class and I had to sit with her in her preschool class for the first 3 weeks. We eventually dropped both of those! She doesn't like it when I am not there. If I were truly honest, which I will be here, I wish it wasn't always so tough to leave her. To leave her when Matt and I go out for a date night, or to small group, or I am teaching. I wish we could avoid the tears and the difficult prying of fingers off of me. I wish I could drop her off at Sunday school without the emotion and just be able to sit through the service wondering if the beeper will go off because she was crying. Oh, she's fine 2 minutes after I leave her. I'm hardly off the driveway and my mom tells me she's playing and laughing and being her silly self. Her teachers at church tell me the same thing. I know it's good for her to spend time with her grandparents and be a part of different things, but we still go through this everytime!
"I want you to come..."
Presence. I was thinking today, 2 days before we celebrate the birth of Jesus, the promised Savior, that presence may actually be the greatest gift to give. Jesus was foretold that His name would be Emmanuel. God with us. That our Heavenly Father knew our greatest need would be met through God coming near. That just His very presence, in the form of that little vulnerable baby would bring us hope and peace and comfort.
Isn't it true that when life is hard and cloudy and strangely unfamiliar, like finding yourself on a road you've never been before, that just the very presence of another who loves you is comforting? That when pain hits, just having someone there makes all the difference? I found that out again these past several weeks that even though no one could change my situation or make the fear go, just their presence gave me rungs on my ladder of hope and kept me climbing. And when life is full of celebration, we long for the presence of close ones to multiply the joy. Presence.
So in this season with so much talk of presents, maybe the focus should be on presence. Our greatest need being met through one another and through the ultimate gift of a Loving Father. Jesus. Emmanuel. God with us. Presence.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Christmas 2008
Well, I've decided to do a "blog" Christmas letter instead of a paper one in our Christmas cards. Just me trying to live a little more "green". (Not really, I'm just trying to save money, but will not really end up saving money because of our 80 Christmas cards about to go in the mail!)
2008 is coming to an end and if you are like me, you are wondering where it went. It took me until about September and in reading a great book I was finally convinced to slow down. Oh, I don't mean "slow down" like learning to say "no" or getting a better time management system. I mean the kind that truly rests your spirit. Rests your mind and heart and makes you finally see clearly, like putting on a pair of glasses and seeing clearer than you ever thought because you didn't even know you had a vision problem. (Which actually was my experience in the 6th grade!)
My brother Chris, over a year ago, left a lucrative position with Royal Caribbean and began a new journey. He realized his life was slipping away and he had no real connections with people or family. He went back to school and is now in the second track of workshops as a Certified Yoga Instructor. Because this doesn't pay a whole lot in the beginning, Chris came to live with us. I never saw a more contented and peaceful person. Truly. He is really living out of his "center". Why do I say this? It is because of my daily interaction with him, I began to look at the whirlwind I had been living. Oh, I could sum it up to having 3 little ones and a household to run, and did I mention I became a licensed Substitute Teacher this year as well? But it was deeper than that. I became envious in a good way of my brother's pace of life and began to pursue it as best I could.
So, in my reflective way, this is the Quillin's 2008... Here goes!
Matt, my husband. My patient and forgiving husband turned 40 this year. He continues to work extremely hard and long as the VP and Field Superintendent for Vazzana Underground. His commitment to his team of operators and laborers leads me to continue to admire him. He takes calls at all hours and still responds with great commitment to his company. He didn't want a big birthday shindig so we got away on the Strip for a weekend and saw Danny Gans and Rita Rudner and just enjoyed being together in some unrushed time. He continues to bring us to the Dumont Sand Dunes where his kids' ability in riding quads is making him very proud. We continue to be very devoted to our Couples' Small Group every other Friday night and he shared his woodworking skills this past year with our group as he created small plaques reminding us all that there is truly "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He still is a better cook and cleaner than I but I think he has settled into that fact and complains less and less every year. We celebrated our 8th anniversary this year and our 11th trip to the NFR (National Finals Rodeo) here in town where we first met on a blind date in 1998. I am blessed to have him and his love which he demonstrates so freely. 3 words that describe Matt? Reliable, Unpredictable, and Funny.
Cosette began 1st grade this fall. She was awarded her 2 medals at the end of Kindergarten for reading and writing. She remains a home body and loves to play princess and Barbie and make believe and hang with her family. She's quite a little performer and is a friend to anyone (which to be honest makes me very nervous!). I have been trying to get her in dance classes again but she doesn't like the dark stage since her last recital. Possibly piano lessons this year?? She was picked to have a part of the traveling Missoula Children's Theater in April. She was one of the little "rats" in the retelling of "The Pied Piper". She did very well and can see the stage in her future someday. She loves to help in the kitchen and probably will be a great chef someday too. She made straight A honor roll this year and gets in trouble sometimes for being too social. I treasure her and am so proud. We held her 7th birthday at the opening weekend of High School Musical 3 with her classmates. It was a highlight of her year. She is also a Daisy Girl Scout and for the first time the Daisies will be selling cookies in the spring which I am excited and not excited about. If you need cookies this spring, you know where to come! Cosette also has a great small group leader at church, Miss Emily and faithfully, each week Cosette receives a card in the mail. I cannot tell you what a blessing Emily has been to Cosette. 3 words to describe Cosette? Dramatic, Friendly, and Smart.
Cole turned 5 this year and began Kindergarten. His birthday is right at the cutoff and I had wrestled all spring about putting him in school or holding him back a year. He didn't really have preschool and he had been so clingy to me whenever we separated. I thought maybe he needed another year at home for social reasons but I have always thought it is good to challenge forward, so we sent him. He was fine the first day while we were getting settled in but when I went to leave, he came after me and began crying. My heart sank. I hugged him tight and Mrs. Lind, who is an incredible Kindergarten teacher and whom Cosette had last year, gently took him by the hand. Those next 2 1/2 hours were torture for me! When I picked him up, he RAN out with a huge smile on his face and I have never heard my son talk so fast! He was really excited and has done so well ever since. He was even picked as Newton Navigator for the month of December, which is kind of a "Camper of the Week" kind of award! He was really proud. He has made some new friends in school. Cole played t-ball this spring with his little sister on the team as well. He did pretty well and will play coaches pitch this winter. Cole also learned to swim underwater this summer. He's become quite the fish! He is a little daredevil on his quad as he proves every time we head for the dunes. He's so much like his daddy. Methodical, inquisitive, good with his hands, loves to build and fix things. Still so cuddly and loving. He also has a great small group at church and learning so much about God. You should hear him pray! 3 words to describe Cole? Routine, energetic, sensitive.
Corinne. Well what can you say about our littlest one? She keeps us laughing all the time. She wants to keep up with her brother and sister and so she seems older than she is. She played t-ball in the spring and she loved to hit but when it came to fielding, she would rather pick the dandelions in the field. Dora the explorer has been her passion. And as you can see from my profile pic, she became Dora for Halloween this year! She was to start a small preschool in the fall but she was put on a waiting list. So we have spent a lot of our school mornings together, getting breakfast, going shopping, watching Dora. I have so enjoyed this quiet time with her. She's used to wait for things, wait for her mom's attention as the youngest and so this time has been really special. She learned to swim this summer and I am so glad to be in the pool with 3 little swimmers! Corinne has finally been willing to go into her class at church which is nice for Matt and I to be able to go to "big church" and not hold a little wiggle worm! Corinne has quite the sweet tooth and when she went for her very first dentist appointment I was sure she would have at least 6 cavities. But no, there she was, cavity free! Thank God for small things! 3 words to describe Corinne? Playful, intelligent, carefree.
Me? Well, my world seems a lot the same. My days continue to be consumed with trying to make a good home, a loving home, a Godly home, and a funny home. I think we are all of those things but I am most thankful that we are a gracious home. We need a lot of grace in this house and we need to lean on a lot of grace as well! I found a couple of part time jobs this summer to help with our summer utility bills. I worked as a merchandiser for Macy's at the Fashion Show Mall along with some other stores. It was mindless work and truly just one for a paycheck, but I liked being out of the house and in Macy's even if I was just stocking men's underwear! But after several weeks of that I realized if I was going to work, I wanted to be a part of something that made some kind of difference. With my mom's commitment to help with the kids this fall, I went and got my sub licence to teach in the school district. After orientation, I felt like this was the right place for me even though I had no formal teaching experience or training in the public schools. My first full day of teaching was at a school in the northeast part of the valley. When I got there, the office gave me the key to the classroom and pointed down the hall. That was it! I was on my own. After reading quickly through the days plans, it was time to go pick up the 5th graders on the playground and I was so nervous I was truly thinking of faking an illness and going home! But I bucked up and went to meet the kids. And the rest was history. I so enjoyed my day, I called my mom and Matt at my break and exclaimed, "I LOVE this!" It felt so good to be in a place where it fit like a glove. I don't know if anyone has ever told you but motherhood can really feed into any smoldering insecurities you may have. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. But sometimes it just feels good to do a good job and know you did a good job!
Not every assignment has gone that well, but I always leave with a feeling of fulfillment and like I did something that day. And that is good.
I also was invited into ministry with 2 good friends who lead the Jr. High ministry at church. Speaking a couple of times and doing some leadership encouragement with the women leaders has been good. I continue to volunteer at the school whenever I can.
This fall brought me to a new place of faith and courage. In mid October, there was the real possibility that something was wrong inside my right breast. I went to see the doctor, had the tests, and the writing was on the wall, or the diagnostic report if you will. There was a high suspicion of a malignancy. I felt stiller, like I couldn't move, yet knowing I had to continue on with my world. My life. My God. After about 3 days of letting fear overwhelm me, I got up early before anyone and I sat with my Bible and journal and I think I opened to Ezra, not because of any spiritual wisdom but because I realized I never had read Ezra and I was looking for something new. Through that morning time, God and I made the decision to live. Not live because I was dying, but because I wanted to live more fuller, more intently, more honestly, and with more fun! And that made a huge difference into every appointment and reading every report. This week I will go for a biopsy to tell me what's really going on with the report coming back a week before Christmas and truly I feel at peace. Not because everything for sure is fine, but because I do not feel afraid right now and I have been blessed with great friends and family and a Great God.
Some quick highlights of this year? Trip to Colorado Springs... Several of our weekends to Dumont Dunes...Jaime and Phil's wedding in Tampa (it would take 2 more letters to write why this was so special to me!)... Walt Disney World with mom and dad and my sister's family... Kennedy Space Center...Speaking at Jr. High Leadership Retreat in January...Performing Jordan and Brie's wedding in Salt Lake City...Swimming all summer with the kids...Dates with Matt... Watching my kids grow more beautiful everyday....Great friends...a good God.
So if you made it this far, that's our year in a few several paragraphs! I pray this Christmas more than anything you experience the richness of the love God has for you and how incredibly special you are. I pray also in 2009, that God gives you even clearer eyes, a more larger heart, and a deeper peace in what God has in store for you. Thank you for the richness of your friendship and I pray I can return the favor to a more greater extent.
From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
Love, The Quillins... Matt, Mary, Cosette, Cole and Corinne
2008 is coming to an end and if you are like me, you are wondering where it went. It took me until about September and in reading a great book I was finally convinced to slow down. Oh, I don't mean "slow down" like learning to say "no" or getting a better time management system. I mean the kind that truly rests your spirit. Rests your mind and heart and makes you finally see clearly, like putting on a pair of glasses and seeing clearer than you ever thought because you didn't even know you had a vision problem. (Which actually was my experience in the 6th grade!)
My brother Chris, over a year ago, left a lucrative position with Royal Caribbean and began a new journey. He realized his life was slipping away and he had no real connections with people or family. He went back to school and is now in the second track of workshops as a Certified Yoga Instructor. Because this doesn't pay a whole lot in the beginning, Chris came to live with us. I never saw a more contented and peaceful person. Truly. He is really living out of his "center". Why do I say this? It is because of my daily interaction with him, I began to look at the whirlwind I had been living. Oh, I could sum it up to having 3 little ones and a household to run, and did I mention I became a licensed Substitute Teacher this year as well? But it was deeper than that. I became envious in a good way of my brother's pace of life and began to pursue it as best I could.
So, in my reflective way, this is the Quillin's 2008... Here goes!
Matt, my husband. My patient and forgiving husband turned 40 this year. He continues to work extremely hard and long as the VP and Field Superintendent for Vazzana Underground. His commitment to his team of operators and laborers leads me to continue to admire him. He takes calls at all hours and still responds with great commitment to his company. He didn't want a big birthday shindig so we got away on the Strip for a weekend and saw Danny Gans and Rita Rudner and just enjoyed being together in some unrushed time. He continues to bring us to the Dumont Sand Dunes where his kids' ability in riding quads is making him very proud. We continue to be very devoted to our Couples' Small Group every other Friday night and he shared his woodworking skills this past year with our group as he created small plaques reminding us all that there is truly "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He still is a better cook and cleaner than I but I think he has settled into that fact and complains less and less every year. We celebrated our 8th anniversary this year and our 11th trip to the NFR (National Finals Rodeo) here in town where we first met on a blind date in 1998. I am blessed to have him and his love which he demonstrates so freely. 3 words that describe Matt? Reliable, Unpredictable, and Funny.
Cosette began 1st grade this fall. She was awarded her 2 medals at the end of Kindergarten for reading and writing. She remains a home body and loves to play princess and Barbie and make believe and hang with her family. She's quite a little performer and is a friend to anyone (which to be honest makes me very nervous!). I have been trying to get her in dance classes again but she doesn't like the dark stage since her last recital. Possibly piano lessons this year?? She was picked to have a part of the traveling Missoula Children's Theater in April. She was one of the little "rats" in the retelling of "The Pied Piper". She did very well and can see the stage in her future someday. She loves to help in the kitchen and probably will be a great chef someday too. She made straight A honor roll this year and gets in trouble sometimes for being too social. I treasure her and am so proud. We held her 7th birthday at the opening weekend of High School Musical 3 with her classmates. It was a highlight of her year. She is also a Daisy Girl Scout and for the first time the Daisies will be selling cookies in the spring which I am excited and not excited about. If you need cookies this spring, you know where to come! Cosette also has a great small group leader at church, Miss Emily and faithfully, each week Cosette receives a card in the mail. I cannot tell you what a blessing Emily has been to Cosette. 3 words to describe Cosette? Dramatic, Friendly, and Smart.
Cole turned 5 this year and began Kindergarten. His birthday is right at the cutoff and I had wrestled all spring about putting him in school or holding him back a year. He didn't really have preschool and he had been so clingy to me whenever we separated. I thought maybe he needed another year at home for social reasons but I have always thought it is good to challenge forward, so we sent him. He was fine the first day while we were getting settled in but when I went to leave, he came after me and began crying. My heart sank. I hugged him tight and Mrs. Lind, who is an incredible Kindergarten teacher and whom Cosette had last year, gently took him by the hand. Those next 2 1/2 hours were torture for me! When I picked him up, he RAN out with a huge smile on his face and I have never heard my son talk so fast! He was really excited and has done so well ever since. He was even picked as Newton Navigator for the month of December, which is kind of a "Camper of the Week" kind of award! He was really proud. He has made some new friends in school. Cole played t-ball this spring with his little sister on the team as well. He did pretty well and will play coaches pitch this winter. Cole also learned to swim underwater this summer. He's become quite the fish! He is a little daredevil on his quad as he proves every time we head for the dunes. He's so much like his daddy. Methodical, inquisitive, good with his hands, loves to build and fix things. Still so cuddly and loving. He also has a great small group at church and learning so much about God. You should hear him pray! 3 words to describe Cole? Routine, energetic, sensitive.
Corinne. Well what can you say about our littlest one? She keeps us laughing all the time. She wants to keep up with her brother and sister and so she seems older than she is. She played t-ball in the spring and she loved to hit but when it came to fielding, she would rather pick the dandelions in the field. Dora the explorer has been her passion. And as you can see from my profile pic, she became Dora for Halloween this year! She was to start a small preschool in the fall but she was put on a waiting list. So we have spent a lot of our school mornings together, getting breakfast, going shopping, watching Dora. I have so enjoyed this quiet time with her. She's used to wait for things, wait for her mom's attention as the youngest and so this time has been really special. She learned to swim this summer and I am so glad to be in the pool with 3 little swimmers! Corinne has finally been willing to go into her class at church which is nice for Matt and I to be able to go to "big church" and not hold a little wiggle worm! Corinne has quite the sweet tooth and when she went for her very first dentist appointment I was sure she would have at least 6 cavities. But no, there she was, cavity free! Thank God for small things! 3 words to describe Corinne? Playful, intelligent, carefree.
Me? Well, my world seems a lot the same. My days continue to be consumed with trying to make a good home, a loving home, a Godly home, and a funny home. I think we are all of those things but I am most thankful that we are a gracious home. We need a lot of grace in this house and we need to lean on a lot of grace as well! I found a couple of part time jobs this summer to help with our summer utility bills. I worked as a merchandiser for Macy's at the Fashion Show Mall along with some other stores. It was mindless work and truly just one for a paycheck, but I liked being out of the house and in Macy's even if I was just stocking men's underwear! But after several weeks of that I realized if I was going to work, I wanted to be a part of something that made some kind of difference. With my mom's commitment to help with the kids this fall, I went and got my sub licence to teach in the school district. After orientation, I felt like this was the right place for me even though I had no formal teaching experience or training in the public schools. My first full day of teaching was at a school in the northeast part of the valley. When I got there, the office gave me the key to the classroom and pointed down the hall. That was it! I was on my own. After reading quickly through the days plans, it was time to go pick up the 5th graders on the playground and I was so nervous I was truly thinking of faking an illness and going home! But I bucked up and went to meet the kids. And the rest was history. I so enjoyed my day, I called my mom and Matt at my break and exclaimed, "I LOVE this!" It felt so good to be in a place where it fit like a glove. I don't know if anyone has ever told you but motherhood can really feed into any smoldering insecurities you may have. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. But sometimes it just feels good to do a good job and know you did a good job!
Not every assignment has gone that well, but I always leave with a feeling of fulfillment and like I did something that day. And that is good.
I also was invited into ministry with 2 good friends who lead the Jr. High ministry at church. Speaking a couple of times and doing some leadership encouragement with the women leaders has been good. I continue to volunteer at the school whenever I can.
This fall brought me to a new place of faith and courage. In mid October, there was the real possibility that something was wrong inside my right breast. I went to see the doctor, had the tests, and the writing was on the wall, or the diagnostic report if you will. There was a high suspicion of a malignancy. I felt stiller, like I couldn't move, yet knowing I had to continue on with my world. My life. My God. After about 3 days of letting fear overwhelm me, I got up early before anyone and I sat with my Bible and journal and I think I opened to Ezra, not because of any spiritual wisdom but because I realized I never had read Ezra and I was looking for something new. Through that morning time, God and I made the decision to live. Not live because I was dying, but because I wanted to live more fuller, more intently, more honestly, and with more fun! And that made a huge difference into every appointment and reading every report. This week I will go for a biopsy to tell me what's really going on with the report coming back a week before Christmas and truly I feel at peace. Not because everything for sure is fine, but because I do not feel afraid right now and I have been blessed with great friends and family and a Great God.
Some quick highlights of this year? Trip to Colorado Springs... Several of our weekends to Dumont Dunes...Jaime and Phil's wedding in Tampa (it would take 2 more letters to write why this was so special to me!)... Walt Disney World with mom and dad and my sister's family... Kennedy Space Center...Speaking at Jr. High Leadership Retreat in January...Performing Jordan and Brie's wedding in Salt Lake City...Swimming all summer with the kids...Dates with Matt... Watching my kids grow more beautiful everyday....Great friends...a good God.
So if you made it this far, that's our year in a few several paragraphs! I pray this Christmas more than anything you experience the richness of the love God has for you and how incredibly special you are. I pray also in 2009, that God gives you even clearer eyes, a more larger heart, and a deeper peace in what God has in store for you. Thank you for the richness of your friendship and I pray I can return the favor to a more greater extent.
From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
Love, The Quillins... Matt, Mary, Cosette, Cole and Corinne
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Taking Deep Breaths...
For those of you who have followed this blog, received an email, or maybe have wondered about some of my Facebook updates, I will finally let the proverbial cat out of the bag of what's been going on in my world. If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's OK...I think I write more for my sanity and my desire to be more than just a hectic mom worrying about shoelaces and such!
In mid October, I discovered blood coming from my right breast. Over 15 years ago, my doctor told me that if I ever discovered that, he wanted me to be seen right away. We have a strong family history of breast cancer and everything has been fine...till then. I began being seen and having tests done and before our family vacation to Florida, the report came back that there was a high suspicious of intraductal malignancy. Ok, here we go. Not knowing what it all meant, we went on vacation and I breathed for a week. Putting it behind and making a choice to not let the fear paralyze me. But let's be honest. I was freaked. I looked at friends and family and my kids so intently. So preciously. And my God more honestly. More authentically. And it has been good.
Today, I got to see my surgeon. This was the appointment I had been waiting for. I walked into it knowing I may have quite a journey ahead of me. She came in, this pretty, stylish woman who looked at me, my tests and gave me a gift. She told me that the highly suspicious concern of cancer may have been premature. She wasn't sure why the report came back that way. She wants to do a biopsy in a couple of weeks and we'll know more. But I wish I could describe the reassurance she gave me. I left the office and my mom began talking about something and all I could do behind the wheel was...breathe.... then another big breath. Then another. My eyes filled as I never realized I had been holding my breath for over a month. My mom treated me to lemon loaf and a Venti passion fruit tea from Starbucks and my world opened up to me. The sky seemed brighter. My kids funnier. Each moment precious. And I am thankful. I feel like a prisoner released after being falsely imprisoned. Now, we are not completely over. The biopsy may still show some cells. But today, I am thankful. For so many things. I am enjoying this moment of reassurance and peace. God has been and will be faithful through all... but I'm so glad I'm right where I am now.
If you ever think of me, please pray for this upcoming biopsy. I will be glad to return the favor of prayer and friendship back to you.
Love to all... and Merry, Merry Christmas!
In mid October, I discovered blood coming from my right breast. Over 15 years ago, my doctor told me that if I ever discovered that, he wanted me to be seen right away. We have a strong family history of breast cancer and everything has been fine...till then. I began being seen and having tests done and before our family vacation to Florida, the report came back that there was a high suspicious of intraductal malignancy. Ok, here we go. Not knowing what it all meant, we went on vacation and I breathed for a week. Putting it behind and making a choice to not let the fear paralyze me. But let's be honest. I was freaked. I looked at friends and family and my kids so intently. So preciously. And my God more honestly. More authentically. And it has been good.
Today, I got to see my surgeon. This was the appointment I had been waiting for. I walked into it knowing I may have quite a journey ahead of me. She came in, this pretty, stylish woman who looked at me, my tests and gave me a gift. She told me that the highly suspicious concern of cancer may have been premature. She wasn't sure why the report came back that way. She wants to do a biopsy in a couple of weeks and we'll know more. But I wish I could describe the reassurance she gave me. I left the office and my mom began talking about something and all I could do behind the wheel was...breathe.... then another big breath. Then another. My eyes filled as I never realized I had been holding my breath for over a month. My mom treated me to lemon loaf and a Venti passion fruit tea from Starbucks and my world opened up to me. The sky seemed brighter. My kids funnier. Each moment precious. And I am thankful. I feel like a prisoner released after being falsely imprisoned. Now, we are not completely over. The biopsy may still show some cells. But today, I am thankful. For so many things. I am enjoying this moment of reassurance and peace. God has been and will be faithful through all... but I'm so glad I'm right where I am now.
If you ever think of me, please pray for this upcoming biopsy. I will be glad to return the favor of prayer and friendship back to you.
Love to all... and Merry, Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Wandering places
Today I woke up with an intense desire to go back to sleep! I know all of some of the habits in a believer's life that we should place into practice in order to stay mentally and emotionally and physically and spiritually healthy. I know those things. But this morning I just wanted to go back to bed. My heart was leading the day and my heart was low. I felt down. Tired. Depressed even. Really not caring about anything. I have come to believe that my 3 children are a gift to me to keep me in the real world at times. For this contemplative spirit, this personality is much more prone to discouragement than power. My kids get me going, even if it's just through the motions. But my mood bothered me. I went down a mental checklist of what could be contributing to this emotion: lack of sleep, just came off a week of the flu, Matt's and my argument yesterday, a reflection on our community or lack there of, my missing my family in this holiday season and a potential health scare. But I couldn't just chalk it up to these situations, I just wanted to BE in this place. God seemed so far. So distant. So unable to break through this shell of meloncholy. What to do?
When I cannot seem to open my emotional first aid box and do a quick fix, I feel stuck. And I felt stuck today. So I have to be in it. Even if that means showing a side of me that people may be uncomfortable with. Even if that means praying those wandering kinds of prayers. Not the ones of great power and spirit. But those mind searching, rambling kinds of prayers that I don't feel very spiritual in. An ongoing kind of "are you there God?" "do these prayers really honor You?" "I don't have anything to offer You" kinds of prayers.
I truly don't know how God views these places in my heart. But I lean into the truth that it's OK with Him even if it's not OK with me or with others who depend and need me. I have to believe it's OK before my Heavenly Father or else I have no where else to go. As I flipped through my CD choices in my car, I stumbled upon Brennan Manning's words in prayer as He prayed to Jesus and asked Him to remove anything that inhibits our coming to know the Father in this very moment. And my eyes filled, my heart rested and I took comfort knowing that my Jesus was praying to the Father on my behalf. In my imagination, I see Jesus talking to the Father about me. Lovingly. Compassionately. With concern. With hope. With a smile. I wonder if I will ever give myself permission to truly just be. For that is what Jesus gave to me today. I want to be that to my world.
When I cannot seem to open my emotional first aid box and do a quick fix, I feel stuck. And I felt stuck today. So I have to be in it. Even if that means showing a side of me that people may be uncomfortable with. Even if that means praying those wandering kinds of prayers. Not the ones of great power and spirit. But those mind searching, rambling kinds of prayers that I don't feel very spiritual in. An ongoing kind of "are you there God?" "do these prayers really honor You?" "I don't have anything to offer You" kinds of prayers.
I truly don't know how God views these places in my heart. But I lean into the truth that it's OK with Him even if it's not OK with me or with others who depend and need me. I have to believe it's OK before my Heavenly Father or else I have no where else to go. As I flipped through my CD choices in my car, I stumbled upon Brennan Manning's words in prayer as He prayed to Jesus and asked Him to remove anything that inhibits our coming to know the Father in this very moment. And my eyes filled, my heart rested and I took comfort knowing that my Jesus was praying to the Father on my behalf. In my imagination, I see Jesus talking to the Father about me. Lovingly. Compassionately. With concern. With hope. With a smile. I wonder if I will ever give myself permission to truly just be. For that is what Jesus gave to me today. I want to be that to my world.
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