Wandering places

Today I woke up with an intense desire to go back to sleep! I know all of some of the habits in a believer's life that we should place into practice in order to stay mentally and emotionally and physically and spiritually healthy. I know those things. But this morning I just wanted to go back to bed. My heart was leading the day and my heart was low. I felt down. Tired. Depressed even. Really not caring about anything. I have come to believe that my 3 children are a gift to me to keep me in the real world at times. For this contemplative spirit, this personality is much more prone to discouragement than power. My kids get me going, even if it's just through the motions. But my mood bothered me. I went down a mental checklist of what could be contributing to this emotion: lack of sleep, just came off a week of the flu, Matt's and my argument yesterday, a reflection on our community or lack there of, my missing my family in this holiday season and a potential health scare. But I couldn't just chalk it up to these situations, I just wanted to BE in this place. God seemed so far. So distant. So unable to break through this shell of meloncholy. What to do?

When I cannot seem to open my emotional first aid box and do a quick fix, I feel stuck. And I felt stuck today. So I have to be in it. Even if that means showing a side of me that people may be uncomfortable with. Even if that means praying those wandering kinds of prayers. Not the ones of great power and spirit. But those mind searching, rambling kinds of prayers that I don't feel very spiritual in. An ongoing kind of "are you there God?" "do these prayers really honor You?" "I don't have anything to offer You" kinds of prayers.

I truly don't know how God views these places in my heart. But I lean into the truth that it's OK with Him even if it's not OK with me or with others who depend and need me. I have to believe it's OK before my Heavenly Father or else I have no where else to go. As I flipped through my CD choices in my car, I stumbled upon Brennan Manning's words in prayer as He prayed to Jesus and asked Him to remove anything that inhibits our coming to know the Father in this very moment. And my eyes filled, my heart rested and I took comfort knowing that my Jesus was praying to the Father on my behalf. In my imagination, I see Jesus talking to the Father about me. Lovingly. Compassionately. With concern. With hope. With a smile. I wonder if I will ever give myself permission to truly just be. For that is what Jesus gave to me today. I want to be that to my world.