Father, I belong to You

Note: The following blog post I began writing in a season of my life in 2009. I just now looked back and completed it.

Those words were given to me as an instruction from a spiritual director.

"Say those words in prayer to your Father everyday for an extended period of time."

There's not magic in the words. But it's not meaningless repetition. It is rather a reminder. A concentrated reminder of our choseness and adoption by the Father.

One morning a little while back, I found myself feeling... with no better words but this one.... lost.

I don't know all the reasons why I found myself in that place but I was there.

In my bathroom I sat sobbing and I remembered the exhortation to pray that simple prayer. I began praying, honestly not knowing who was listening or if I meant it. But I prayed. Through the tears I prayed in earnest. Longing to hear the voice of my Father; like a lost child in the grocery store that longs to hear the voice of their parent, I sat. As I prayed I began to believe the words. And I began to doubt them. I've been around things and places in Christianity long enough I wondered if I could believe with faith like a child anymore.

Then it happened... an impression in my heart that was unmistakable.
"Believe, Mary. Do not let your skepticism win. I am here. You belong to me. Risk. Trust. Believe."

I have believed in God since I was a child. Growing up Catholic, I always had a belief in God and Jesus and I have embraced it all. When I was a young teenager, I was challenged to know God more through a very real commitment of faith to Him. And I gave my young life to God. Did I belong to God? Yes, I could tell you, yes. But in my journey in the not so far past, even though I would tell you I longed to please only God, I began measuring this pleasure by so many things that were not of God. My roles. Being a mom. Being in church. How well I managed everything in my life.

Dare I say, (I have to whisper this part)...how others thought of me.

I no longer rested in my own skin. And that morning in the bathroom was the result.

Since then, I am choosing to pray this prayer and meditate on this thought only.

Father, I belong to You.

Just as I am. Exactly as I am. Whether I am busy in Your work or I am alone. My loves and my interests. My passion for books and movies that move me. My reflective spirit. My goofiness and my mediocre cooking ability. My love for friends and desire for extended time with them.

Some good things then naturally began to happen. I began to delight in my kids more. I began to see my husband differently and with more tenderness. I was kinder to myself. I no longer felt afraid of others. No longer felt a need to prove myself. I felt myself talking... less. And longing to listen and see more.

Brennan Manning says the phrase, "Father, I belong to You" coincides perfectly with our natural breathing rhythm. Try it. See? :-)

I have found in faith, more than anything, I must be reminded that I am daughter of God. That the truest thing that can be said of me is that I am God's child.

I didn't deserve it. It is grace.
I didn't ask for it. He pursued me.
I cannot earn it. It is a gift.
I often fail so short of it. It doesn't change the fact that I am His!

When I was little, I was often told I looked like my dad. My dark Cuban skin and big brown eyes reflected that I was my dad's daughter. I loved that. As I grew older and I saw what kind of man my dad was and still is, I love it even more. I am proud to say I am Alberto's daughter :-)

So isn't just like our love for God that the closer we get to Him; the more we know the truth of Him, we are even more "proud" to be His child?

I want others to see my Father in me. I want others to see without a doubt the Family resemblance. :-)

Father, I DO belong to You!