Being Cool (at any age :-)

My oldest daughter is 10 1/2 now. The "cool" conversations have already begun and actually been around for a couple of years. In 2nd grade, my daughter came home almost in tears because a friend told her she wasn't cool. Cosette was playing with Barbies at the time. My heart sank that she has to now juggle this ambivilous standard that is always changing at a young 8 years old.

We all have had our struggles with wanting to be "cool". It's one of those things you can't define but know it when you see it. The problem is most people have a different definition of what being "cool" is and it changes almost daily.

Now, at 45 I still carry around a small need to want to be considered cool by my world around me. I wasn't all that cool growing up by many's standards but I have been blessed by incredible friends that didn't really care if I wanted to wear my rainbow shirt with matching ribbons in my very long hair :-).
The people in your life are the ones that matter and my kids will learn that but right now being cool is important at some level. Cool often means fitting in or being liked or being invited. Cool means kids walk around with you at recess and want to sit with you at lunch. So I get it. Who doesn't want to be included?

But I've been thinking about what I consider cool NOW. At this season of life. So I decided to create my Cool List and welcome you to contribute as well :-) It does not include all the latest tech stuff although those ARE cool :-), but it's what I think is pretty awesome. So here goes......

Cool means....

• Feeling just as much love from your hubby because he cleaned your car as much as receiving flowers.
• Making pizza picnics on the floor with the kids on Friday Pizza Night.
• Seniors weekly making quilts to give to people all over the world enduring cancer treatments.
• Letting your 6 year old put neon pink nail polish on your nails.
• Seeing elderly couples hold hands and kiss at the park.
• Fathers who still kiss their grown kids on the head.
• Watching the Royal Wedding.
• Reading actual books in a big comfy chair at Barnes and Noble with Passion Fruit Iced Tea.
• Praying with your kids at night.
• Friends who can hear in your voice without you saying more than "fine" and hear them say, "I'll be right over."
• Going through the kids' baby photographs together.
• Being the kid who says, "C'mon, we're waiting for you!" on the playground.
• Long phone conversations.
• Sweatpants.
• Family movie nights in the middle of the week.
• Great compassionate teachers.
• Saying hi to your neighbors as they pull out of their driveways.
• Listening to The Beatles, Journey, Survivor, Genesis and Boston and the kids liking it.
• Hearing your daughter say she wants to live next door to you all her life.
• Used cars paid off early.
• Camping and S'mores.
• Making it up the long hill on your bike finally.
• Love.
• Having your son still sit close at night.
• Chopsticks and Panda Express.
• Drop in visits from friends who don't care what your house looks like.
• Planting flowers.
• Long lunches with childhood friends.
• Quail babies at springtime.
• Corn on the cob.
• Water slides.
• Forgiveness.
• Matt's nachos.
• Spontaneous pool parties.
• Joy.
• Christmas.
• God.

So much more....... :-)

What is your cool list?www.facebook.com/mary.a.quillin

Disneyland and DMV - Part 1

I have a confession to make.

I do not like standing in line.

No, let's be honest, Mary. I despise standing in line.

I do not like waiting. I am usually the obnoxious one sizing up the line trying to see how we can make it go more efficiently. I'm the one watching traffic lines, switching between the two to get in the faster one. I'm the one in line asking the questions. "Is there really someone in the stall?" "I think if you move to that side it will go faster." "I think you have more than 15 items in your basket, ma'am." Yes, that is me. In my pretentious mind, I'm  the Great Fixer of this situation and if everyone would just listen to me this would go much better. Yes, I am that person. Yuck.......:-(

Life in urban society tests this character flaw in me all the time. Our lives are filled with lines and waiting rooms and endless deadlock traffic. I do believe the fates have fun with me in this regard because I certainly, when I am the most impatient, end up behind the broken down cash register or the extreme coupon-er or the overly social woman catching up with her gossip as she checks out her groceries.

Really, I think God is trying to get my attention, again. :-)

Now, I do not believe that the Almighty God of the universe is setting up stalling situations like a puppeteer in order to inconvenience me or teach me a lesson. I do not believe God is that petty or shallow. I do believe though that life in the human world has enough opportunities to learn grace and patience in itself. God has called us to a new kingdom. A new way. He has called us to live in this world more like the redeemed people He wants us to be. Life is just the classroom where He shows us where we can be more of an instrument to tell this world how much He loves us. Achievement and getting to the top and managing life is not the end all. It's people. His creation. That which He loves the most. And because I am a Christ follower, I am called to see people and life with His heartbeat.

Lines and waiting bring out some of the worst parts of me. I can be that immature. I wish I was the one who brought patience and peace in often stressful situations. But I'm not usually that one. I'm working on it for sure. But when those ugly parts of myself come out I feel the ugliness inside and I am embarrassed and ashamed.

Like, for example the young lady who takes names for tables at Rainforest Cafe at Disneyland on Spring Break.....

It's Sunday night and the entire state of California is hungry and wants a table now. She gets the unfortunate task of telling everyone how long they will have to wait until their blood sugar comes back to normal. I was given a "Priority Seating" certificate when I checked into our hotel and was told we'd have to wait just a few minutes. YEAH! But when I got there she told me it would be 1 hour or so and that priority seating cuts the wait in half. The walk in wait time was over 2 hours.

"WHAT? HAVE TO WAIT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FORGET IT!"

And I, in all my justified rage and prideful glory walk away. Imagine figurative smoke coming out around me and then see path of sprawled out people I just stepped on. Quickly and clearly, like the Holy Spirit is faithful to do, I realized what and who I was just then and it made my stomach turn. My kids are now embarrassed and no closer to getting some food in their stomachs. This young lady who I just vomited my impatience on has one more remembrance of jerky people who see her only as a means to an end and that she has to put up with to pay the rent or get her education. But my biggest fear is one day standing in front of great women at a conference or Bible study, speaking about the incredible love of God and how precious we are as His children. Then I'll look out in the audience and see that woman who may be checking out this Jesus person for the first time. She'll see me, the one who ruined her day and spirit, not hear a word I say but remember my idiotic outburst. She will then shake her head and say, "If that's what faith does to people? No thanks." And I've damaged the work of God again.

As I write this morning, a truth about my soul was revealed by a Loving Parent. I still have a broken part of me that believes I must be the defender of my fate in this world. Life wants to take me out. Hurt me. Take advantage of me. I believe subtly the truth that nice guys do finish last. I better take cover.

I wasn't always that way. Somewhere along my journey, from some very real places and disappointments, I've learned that. My eyes changed and not for the better. Some painful friendships, ministries and work situations did not fare out well  and I obviously did not deal with them well and I have learned that lesson. But it's not life's fault. It is mine. I can choose each day how to respond to the bumps and bruises life brings.I have not always responded well. I'm am seeing this morning the armor I have put around myself.  Now in this real world with real messy people, I, being the messiest, respond  with a defensiveness that is not good and certainly is not Godly.

In the quiet right now, when my kids are still sleeping from too much of the Magic Kingdom yesterday, I surrender. I put up the white flag over my inner war. I ask for forgiveness. I ask my Father to heal and change that part of me. I want to be a person of great love and risk. Great adventure and great faith. I want more than anything to move through my one and only life choosing to leave it a little better than how I found it, all for the pleasure of His Smile.

I woke up this morning thinking I was going to write a simple funny blog about waiting and God again in His faithful love has shown me a new place in my heart He wants to redeem and make right.

Deeply Grateful....... :-)

Kisses at 5 a.m.

For almost 12 years now, I've been awakened each morning with a soft kiss goodbye around 5 a.m. My husband works in the construction field which starts each day at the most unreasonable hours. Or at least I think so!

Mornings, to say it in the kindest way, are not my best time of day. I have always taken after my father's trait of sleeping in as late as I can. Even when life has gotten me out of bed much earlier than I would have liked, I'm still not at my best. I need a good couple of hours in the morning to get my legs underneath me. In my college and single days, I would make up for a slow start by having a great late night finish! Going to bed at 1 or 2 a.m. was usual for me. I can no longer say that as sleep usually hits me around embarrassingly 9:30 p.m. My days are getting squeezed out as my mornings are sleepier and bed comes so much earlier. Exciting, right? :-)

For Matt, though, mornings are his best time. He is up between 4- 5 a.m., in the shower, dressed, made coffee and has time to catch a minute or two of early morning news. All this has taken place while I'm still snuggled under down comforting. Then I hear the same sound I've heard each morning out the window - the sound of this huge, all testosterone, heavy duty diesel truck. They are not quiet in the morning, let me tell you. Our neighbors for 12 years have also had the pleasure of knowing when Matt has left for work.

Matt is now working full time in North Dakota so the kisses and the sounds of his truck are not as frequent anymore. But I this I have come to realize...

Matt is a far better person than I. :-)

Like clockwork, Matt gets up and goes to work. He battles Las Vegas drivers, ungodly hot hours, transient and often untrustworthy employees, a demanding boss and more and more and more. For over 19 years, he's been in this industry and has grown from a basic operator to the General Superintendent of two thriving businesses under one name. Even now, work has pulled him away from his home he continues to provide for; he is living in a dorm style room with several other men pulled away from their families for work in the rural-est of places, North Dakota and he keeps showing up.

I would have buckled by this point. :-)

At this time in our marriage, I've come to treasure this one truth. Love is played out by kisses at 5 a.m. The love in our marriage has not always been communicated by flowers each day or sappy love notes left on the bathroom mirror, although those have shown up. It hasn't always been romantic date nights each week or high priced jewelry, although I've been blessed with those at times as well. Love has been displayed in the soft, faithful kisses at 5 a.m., that remind me Matt is still saying his vows each time he provides for our family another day. They remind me that no matter what heated argument we engaged in the night before, today is a new day and we get to start over as a couple. The sounds of his truck remind me that although I'm sure he would like to spend his very hard earned money on a sports car or 10,000 acre ranch somewhere, he gives to us, which often includes gymnastic lessons and a new kitchen gadget. Books for this avid reader. College accounts and make up lines. Bicycles and a new recliner for his wife. American girl dolls and whiplash scooters.

You see, Matt is a better person than I :-)

He has always been more generous, servant hearted and hard working than I. I get way more credit than I deserve.

I love you, honey. I don't know when you'll read this as you are more often putting your hands to the task than fooling around on the computer, but I'll show it to you soon. :-)

Thankful for kisses at 5 a.m........

Black Sharpie Markers, Long Lonely Showers, and Other Essential Tools of Motherhood

I'm just 10 years into my motherhood journey.

 Just 10 years, 2 SUV's, 2 pediatricians, 3 specialists and countless black sharpie markers into this :-)

It may sound cliche but there should be a Mother's Toolkit. Something they hand you with the generic, black vinyl diaper bag when you go home from the hospital. After just 48, or 36 or even 24 supermom hours later, you leave with this tiny, completely dependent life that came from literally inside of you. You leave the hospital still wearing your maternity clothes with this mushy strange belly that just a couple of days earlier was tight with the impending birth. And as you click the infant seat into your car, the realization sinks in that this divine being is yours, completely yours.

With all the privileges and responsiblities therein :-)

But wouldn't it be great if there was this "Essentials Mommy Toolkit" given to you; not prepared by baby registries or vogue motherhood magazines, but rather by the countless moms who have gone before you and will give you truthful items of necessity to not only survive as a mom, but to joyfully equip you for the journey? I would love that! Now, I know we would all have our own lists of supplies but so far this is what I would include...:-)

1. Special Vision Glasses that would illuminate all the items in Babies-R-Us that you really need, instead of registering for 10 organic, non-latex, mouth-contouring pacifiers at $10 a pop.


2. Earplugs that will edit out all the horrible labor stories you hear just days before you go into labor yourself.


3. An internal amplifier in your husband's ear that would heighten the baby's cry at 2 a.m. that would make it impossible for him to pretend he is still alseep and doesn't hear :-)


4. Black sharpie markers that not only label everything with your child's name, but will mark them indeliably with your name so that anyone who ever tried to hurt or take your child would suffer the consequences of your mama bear strength.


5. Duct tape to put over the mouths of people, many of whom never had kids or forgot what it can be like at times, who make unnecessary comments about how you should be handling your toddler's temper tantrum in the store.


6. An extra 25th hour in the day to do nothing but stand in a steamy hot shower... all alone!


7. Something that will hold your heart together which breaks now so easily when you see another child missing or being mistreated.


8. A coupon that gives full permission to put nothing else on the dinner table than mac and cheese some nights. :-)


9. Real permission to share not only your child's outward successes but their real struggles, remembering that it is their life and not some kind of justification of how well or poorly we are doing as moms.



10. A parenting book that says on every page nothing except, "Yes, it IS as hard as it is. You're doing fine." :-)


When I got pregnant for the first time, so many people said to me, "It will change your life forever." Those words have never proved to be more truthful. I almost don't know or remember the woman I was before my kids blessed my life. At times I see her and miss her, but most days I don't and I don't look back.

Even this morning as I was breaking up a fight over how close you can stand to the Wii sensor remote, my son came to me with tears in his eyes asking me to play a quick game of Phase 10 before we left for school.

Is there any greater invitation than that? :-)

Father, I belong to You

Note: The following blog post I began writing in a season of my life in 2009. I just now looked back and completed it.

Those words were given to me as an instruction from a spiritual director.

"Say those words in prayer to your Father everyday for an extended period of time."

There's not magic in the words. But it's not meaningless repetition. It is rather a reminder. A concentrated reminder of our choseness and adoption by the Father.

One morning a little while back, I found myself feeling... with no better words but this one.... lost.

I don't know all the reasons why I found myself in that place but I was there.

In my bathroom I sat sobbing and I remembered the exhortation to pray that simple prayer. I began praying, honestly not knowing who was listening or if I meant it. But I prayed. Through the tears I prayed in earnest. Longing to hear the voice of my Father; like a lost child in the grocery store that longs to hear the voice of their parent, I sat. As I prayed I began to believe the words. And I began to doubt them. I've been around things and places in Christianity long enough I wondered if I could believe with faith like a child anymore.

Then it happened... an impression in my heart that was unmistakable.
"Believe, Mary. Do not let your skepticism win. I am here. You belong to me. Risk. Trust. Believe."

I have believed in God since I was a child. Growing up Catholic, I always had a belief in God and Jesus and I have embraced it all. When I was a young teenager, I was challenged to know God more through a very real commitment of faith to Him. And I gave my young life to God. Did I belong to God? Yes, I could tell you, yes. But in my journey in the not so far past, even though I would tell you I longed to please only God, I began measuring this pleasure by so many things that were not of God. My roles. Being a mom. Being in church. How well I managed everything in my life.

Dare I say, (I have to whisper this part)...how others thought of me.

I no longer rested in my own skin. And that morning in the bathroom was the result.

Since then, I am choosing to pray this prayer and meditate on this thought only.

Father, I belong to You.

Just as I am. Exactly as I am. Whether I am busy in Your work or I am alone. My loves and my interests. My passion for books and movies that move me. My reflective spirit. My goofiness and my mediocre cooking ability. My love for friends and desire for extended time with them.

Some good things then naturally began to happen. I began to delight in my kids more. I began to see my husband differently and with more tenderness. I was kinder to myself. I no longer felt afraid of others. No longer felt a need to prove myself. I felt myself talking... less. And longing to listen and see more.

Brennan Manning says the phrase, "Father, I belong to You" coincides perfectly with our natural breathing rhythm. Try it. See? :-)

I have found in faith, more than anything, I must be reminded that I am daughter of God. That the truest thing that can be said of me is that I am God's child.

I didn't deserve it. It is grace.
I didn't ask for it. He pursued me.
I cannot earn it. It is a gift.
I often fail so short of it. It doesn't change the fact that I am His!

When I was little, I was often told I looked like my dad. My dark Cuban skin and big brown eyes reflected that I was my dad's daughter. I loved that. As I grew older and I saw what kind of man my dad was and still is, I love it even more. I am proud to say I am Alberto's daughter :-)

So isn't just like our love for God that the closer we get to Him; the more we know the truth of Him, we are even more "proud" to be His child?

I want others to see my Father in me. I want others to see without a doubt the Family resemblance. :-)

Father, I DO belong to You!

Discipline, Habits and Other "Encouraging" Words :-)

This morning the sky is still dark as it has been for the past 3 insomniac hours. I really don't mind the early morning hours as this is truly the only time our house is COMPLETELY quiet. 180 West Mulberry has been a house of activity the entire 9 years we have lived here and that is OK. Amidst the never ending laundry, dishes and creative artwork on the walls, I know there will come a day the house will become too quiet and I will miss this time when the kids are little and my parents are with us. I know this and try to drink it in and see the holy among the mundane, but truthfully some days are better than others :-) And some days I am better than other days.

So this morning, with stars still in the sky, I welcome the silence even if it means losing a couple of hours of sleep.

It is here in the quiet I can hear my own voice. My own heart. My own soul speaking. It is here I get a sense of the best of me and the awareness of where I've been less. It is here where I am not just a role I play in the world. I am not just a need-filler, a demand-responder, an out pour. It is here where I sit and sense the Divine and His love for me. And amazingly, my restless and wandering heart comes to rest.

If I am honest, which I have committed to be more of these days because who's going to be impressed with a show :-), if I am honest, I look outward way too much. It hasn't always been the case. Growing up I've been "accused" of being too sensitive, too mushy, too feel-y. Growing up I have spent much of my teenage years between the richness of friends and the inward reflective. I began my first journal when I was 14 and have continued it to this day. I loved writing down quotes and song lyrics that meant so much to me. I often did my homework in my room with some hit '80's radio station on, recording favorite songs on a cassette tape through my boom box. I have loved reading my entire life and especially loved books with great sentences and articulating what my heart seemed to want to shout out.

Growing up with it's increased responsibilities can slowly steal away the reflective parts of ourselves. The more our lives belong to roles and relationships, we can lose touch with the best parts of us that I believe is only audible in the silence. Where Heaven and Earth meet. Where God whispers and Love is found. It is only from this true sense do we give ourselves to the world around us.

I have given all of my adult years to the out pour of ministry and family. I have committed myself to people and needs and children and marriage and God. Somewhere along the journey I began a bad habit of seeing my life as only an out pour. Oh, I would teach and encourage and speak on the opposite. I would strongly encourage any who would listen to make sure you still your life to receive and drink in all that fills you. To not just serve God and others, but to KNOW God. And while I always believed that to the core of me, if you looked closely at the way I scheduled or lived out my days, the evidence would be convicting, and not in my favor :-)

I have always wanted and still do for my life  have impact for good and God. I have always been considering how can my short life here will count beyond me. In fact, the first day I arrived in Las Vegas to take a student ministries intern position, it was over 108 degrees and the house I was to be staying in had no air conditioning temporarily. I had just driven my very good friend to her sister's house in California and made the long journey home through the Mojave Desert alone and walked into an empty, hot house, knowing only 1 person in Las Vegas and as I looked through precious pictures of great friends and family I left behind, I said to God in the silence, "OK, Lord, Make it count".

It's been the cry of my heart that my life would be lived out in love and encouragement to the people around me. And I have no regrets. But somewhere along the way, the needed time to be alone and still often got squeezed out. I began, very subtly, to see myself as only something to give. And as I welcomed more and more opportunities and responsibilities, I was naive of how much I needed to up my game in the reflective part of me.

This is how I realized it. As I came to "mid-life" my conversations and thoughts have been just about "what will I DO this second part of my life?" I don't think there's anything intrinsically wrong with that. I believe it's good to look back and see where we are and are there dreams we would still like to fulfill. Nothing wrong in dreaming new dreams for second half living. But here's where it went wrong, I felt lost in it. I felt confused. I felt I didn't know the next steps. I couldn't hear my life speak anymore. And God wasn't giving me clear new marching orders.

I wrongly saw God and His involvement in my life as another responsibility. Another demand. Another out pour while all the while, He's my ...... and I struggle for words right now... He's IT! He's the Lover of my Soul. He is Father. He is Speaker. He is Life and Dreams and Hope. I cannot even put words to it. He has not been asking me to pick up my steno pad and take a letter. He's...... see, I cannot even write it this morning. :-)

I was challenged most recently by a man I respect so much to not worry about DOING great things, but to live fully BEING a great person. Greatness as defined by Jesus. To respond to the world around me, with whatever He leads me to. To drink deeply of this life and to see it with beautiful, purposeful and eternal eyes. To live fearlessly in the lives of people and needs and problems. But I can only do that if my life is first filled and centered and quiet. For it is from that place I move into my life.

So this day, as much as I do not like words of discipline and habit, I know each morning here, in the quiet, in front of my laptop with a keyboard waiting for me to form words and thoughts, each morning here, I will come. I will still. I will come to the feet of my Savior and listen.

Feel free to listen along :-)

Christmas 2011 - Life IS like a box of chocolates, with the best stuff always on the inside.. :-)

It's 3 days before Christmas and I'm sitting here in the early morning writing the Quillins' Christmas letter. In the past I've said I've posted it on FB because I want to be so "green" but the truth is I went the simple route this year. And that's OK. I don't always believe that simpler is better,  but this year I am embracing and celebrating that truth. Ecclesiastes assures us that there is "a time for everything". There is a time for extravagance, and I don't mean just the material kind. There is a time of great fullness and packing everything you can into your experience of life. And there is a time for great simplicity, which can be just as rich and fun as the former. If we are honest, we usually embrace simplicity when life forces it upon us. And if we are wise, we will live in it and enjoy it just the same.

That is what 2011 meant to me this year. Simplicity. Struggle. Surrender.

At the end of last year, Matt began travelling a little for a new endeavour with work. Because of the implosion of the construction industry these past several years in Las Vegas, the company my husband works for began partnering with a company in North Dakota with the booming oil business there. In the beginning, it felt like a side note. A casual conversation about some work that was happening in that strange foreign land just south of the Canadian border. Little did we all know that this was the beginning of incredible life change filled with possibility, promotion and TONS of prayer.

I was home caring for our 3 children, volunteering with our church and getting our kids all through 3rd, 1st and Kindergarten grades. That was filling my days enough. I had resigned from Women of Faith a couple months earlier which in the foreknowledge of God was necessary as unbeknown to us, Matt began travelling just a couple weeks afterwards. We would have never been able to both travel and keep our family intact and sane. Well, sane-r :-)

Well in 2011, a little travelling became a regular part of our lives. Matt was overseeing the building of a huge warehouse complete with truck bays, offices and eventually dorm style rooms for the men living transitionally in the rural town of Parshall, North Dakota. The partnership with that company dissolved and Matt was now working full time for their own company, North Country Oil by May. In all honesty, even though the changes came quickly, I didn't feel the depth of them, as I was very full time at home. Matt always came back from his time up there just when it was right. So life continued.

Corinne began Kindergarten last year and now is full time in 1st grade. She is this incredible bundle of joy, energy, toughness and style. A great student but chatty at times which gets her into a little trouble but nothing a quick warning doesn't cure. Corinne danced last year and now is concentrating on gymnastics. She has the fearless personality which I believe gymnastics requires and is having the time of her life.

Cole completed first grade with all "A"s with only one "B" the entire year. I have loved watching Cole walk through his little life. He loves responsibility and leadership. He's very diplomatic and has fairness always on his radar. I think he's going to be a great leader of people with a wonderful work ethic. With Matt gone so much, he has missed our camping trips to the dunes to ride his quads and dirt bike, but we were able to sneak in a couple trips when Matt came home. Basketball was a new sport for him this year and though he's not the fastest on the court or the soccer field, he has found his niche in defensive play and smiles the entire time.

Cosette finished a challenging 3rd grade year with greater confidence and competence. I am so proud of her growth this past year. She continued to dance but now has taken up the flute and truly enjoys it. I can tell because of the amount of time she will practice and try new things with no pushing on my part to practice, which I am thankful! Turning 10 this past November, I have watched her mature and grow in greater ways than ever before. She is really embracing her role as the "oldest". Her younger brother and sister don't always welcome her help, but I do my best to acknowledge her efforts to care about them.

The Quillin kids all were part of Missoula Children's Theater this past spring in "King Arthur's Quest" and loved it. They just finished being a part of our church's Christmas musical as well. Ever since they were little, we've been a "package" deal with them all being so close in age. At times it has felt like I had triplets. And though they are each becoming very much their own persons, we do live life very much together.

Back to Matt and me... :-)

After Matt and I celebrated our 11 year anniversary in May, the very next morning Matt left for 5 weeks to dig in deeper with this new company in ND. It was our first real test being apart for that length of time. On one hand, it was terribly difficult being apart, but on the other we really felt the provision of God for work and we welcomed it. It was difficult for both of us not having him here for school awards and dance recitals and sports celebrations, but again, the constant worry of a declining work industry here in Vegas was being lifted and we felt God's faithfulness to us... again.

Matt came home just 2 days before our family vacation this summer. My parents, Al and Nancy Armas celebrated their 50th anniversary in 2011 and we planned a long overdo family reunion. After a couple of days in Chicago and my kids and hubby experiencing their first Cubs game with a stop at Taste of Chicago afterwards, we loaded up in a couple of SUV's and headed to Emerald Isle, North Carolina where we rented a beach house large enough to hold all of the 21 Armas', spouses and grand kids. You may think that to be very overwhelming, but it was by far one of the greatest family vacations I have ever taken. The richness of us all being together in a beautiful part of the country, watching the cousins play so freely and seeing the legacy of our parents marriage was truly a gift and the best part of our summer.

After getting home, Matt had to get back to work and it was at that time we (or I should say I) realized that North Dakota was going to be a part of our lives for awhile. We packed up and drove to North Dakota by way of Yellowstone and Wyoming to spend a week there for me and the kids to get a first hand sense of what was happening. I wish I could say I had a better reaction to it, but when we pulled into a very rural place where their company was establishing itself, something inside me broke. Seeing the barrenness of the land and the substantial decrease of population, especially women and community, I had huge questions of our life there. Though it was busy with activity with all the new work, this was not a picture-perfect country town I had been envisioning. My hubby could see the culture shock on my face and through my tears, we found a campsite near his work and on a large beautiful lake. We stayed there for a week with the kids playing and me trying to get a sense of this new land. My parents graciously drove up from Chicago and spent the week with us there which was a saving grace for me as we drove around exploring while Matt worked. At night, we came back to campfires and grilling while the kids played outdoors until way past 10 p.m. when the sun finally set in that part of the country.

After a week there, me and the kids flew back to Vegas and life became very different immediately. Matt was now a significant part of North Country Oil, and the underground work of building homes, plus the completion of their company building. Incredible sacrifices Matt has made to provide for us as a family. He continues to work way too many hours with little time off. But he gets up everyday and does that. Love played out daily. In all my doubts and concerns, I have never held that lightly how dedicated he is. So my journey has become how can I best live out my vows and support this man God has given to me.

One thing we knew for sure, we didn't want to do life apart on a long term basis. We didn't know what that meant and still don't exactly, but we began a real prayer journey of this new chapter of our lives. Where would we go? How did we sort out the incredible provision of work, but in a place I wasn't confident we would thrive in? Was this a new adventure and groundbreaking place we were being led to or was this a pit stop to a new place we would eventually dig deep in community? Those are the answers we still don't have the answers for. But we did know that we needed to be ready to pull up our tent pegs and be ready. Faith is truly one step at a time. So in September, we placed our house on the market. That itself is another step of faith as Las Vegas continues to have the highest foreclosure rate and declining housing values, though there are signs of a slow reversal to that. So I spent our fall spending more time talking with home improvement experts and working with contractors than ever before. It was my role to get the kids ready for the new school year and a new season of soccer. We took the kids to the Scandinavian Festival in Minot, ND at the end of September to see Matt and see the land again. The crew of North Country oil has always welcomed us there and though I felt like a fish out of water, they have been the most kind and gracious to me and the kids.

This past fall we lost my husband's grandmother, Grandma Ann. It has been a huge loss to all of us. I have truly never met a more silly, thoughtful, loving, stubborn, faithful woman. She has lived her life celebrating everything God has given to her and everyone God has placed in her lives. We celebrated her life this past December at her memorial in California.

I also had the privilege of returning to Chicago for the memorial of my college roommate's dad, Mr. Dick Brandel. It was a true coming home weekend for me and a welcome time to be a part of great familiarity and sense of home in this uncertain time of our lives. Mr. Brandel, as I always knew him, was an incredible man. He was always my good friend's dad, but there was this simply greatness about him as a servant hearted, wise man of God. I consider it a privilege to have had my childhood and young adulthood blessed by his presence in my life.

So today, Christmas is a lot simpler. The kids were a part of the church's musical again and there is just the tree up with only about half of the usual ornaments on them. The house is a little messier and I'm less stressed. Santa shopping was also different as it was just me. Matt is back late on the 23rd and will be home through New Year's and then the big question mark goes up again of what this year will hold.

But this day, in all truthfulness, I hold unto His Unchanging Hand with a grip like a child holding onto their parent on a roller coaster ride. The ride is full of excitement, unknown turns and a little scary, but He's holding onto us and so we can enjoy the ride knowing we will never be let go. We are surrendered to it and I look forward to what I will write next year :-).

Life IS like a box of chocolates, if I may steal Forrest Gump's iconic line. But I think it is because the BEST stuff is what's on the inside. Love. Faith. Family. And Jesus. Who said He would make His home inside us and take on permanent residence there. It is THIS Jesus we celebrate this year. The baby in the manger who came to an unlikely place to let us know, beyond all doubt that He is here and Love is the reason.

Blessings to all of you, family, friends old and new.

Merry Christmas,

The Quillins
2011