I have spent the last 24 hours in a hospital room with my 7 year old desperately wanting to see her kidney infection clear and the vomiting to stop. Strange things happen to you in hospital rooms. Even more so when the patient is not you, but one of the people you love the most in this world.
Last fall, I had a cancer scare. For 6 weeks we didn't know if I had what I had been dreading since I was 20 - breast cancer. We didn't know. During those 6 weeks, some wonderful things happened in my heart. When we see the reality of our mortality right in front of us through doctor appointments and lab reports, a wonderful clarifying effect happens. Like the cream that rises to the top of fresh milk, the things that are of great value to us rise to the front of our minds and hearts.
But when it is your child....
Cosette was diagnosed with renal reflux a year and a half ago. I had never heard of it until one of our pediatricians wanted to test for it after Cosette had had a few urinary infections. He scared me that day in his office of how serious it could be if this goes untreated and undiagnosed. Her kidneys could fail, he told me.
Wait... what just happened? When did she get so sick? What didn't I do? How did this happen?
We began treatment and had one horrible test that no one, especially a 6 year old girl, should have to go through and sure enough she was diagnosed with renal reflux - grade 2, bilaterally.
OK, here we go....
Grade 2 is actually a good prognosis. If it goes to grade 4 or 5 which is the highest grade, it can be very very serious. She may actually outgrow the condition, our urologist said.
For over a year and a half, she was infection free. Until last Sunday....
Her fever spiked Sunday night and when it does, I have to rule out a kidney infection first. So Monday morning we were in our pediatricians office. Yes, she has an infection. Followup with the urologist, we were told. Cosette then began throwing up everything, including her antibiotic and the stakes began to get higher. The next thing I know, we are in Sunrise Children's Hospital ER.
Now it begins...
Because she was so dehydrated it took 5 different needle pokes and 5 different sites to get the IV started. After the 3rd stick, I asked if we could give her some miracle nausea medicine to stop the vomiting, get her to drink lots of fluids and then give her the antibiotic orally. But she's SO dehydrated, they said. She really needs the IV. Ok...
I almost suggested if I could give them my arm instead....
And that's where my heart ended up during those 24 hours in the hospital. Wishing I could substitute myself for her. If somehow I could take her place. Absorb her pain. Endure her fever and run her risks of kidney problems. Let me take her place...
After the 4th stick was unsuccessful, I muttered, "damn it" and I probably would have said more if my daughter wasn't sitting there. They finally got it in and here was the amazing part. My daughter who is terrified of shots at the doctors, didn't cry... just sat there...with more bravery than I knew she had and endured the pain. Every time I watched her big light brown eyes get bigger when she was stuck yet she uttered not a word. I was more and more proud of her. And even more I wanted to switch places with her.
We then spent the next 24 hours eating hospital food, playing Yahtzee, watching High School Musical 2 with her in her hospital jammies and me shower less and trying to comfort her anxiety of what was happening to her. She continually reached for my hand with one arm and with the other we watched the antibiotics and fluid rehydrate and heal her little body through little tubes. When resident after resident doctor came in, she answered their questions and smiled. She looked too vulnerable in that hospital bed all hooked up and little.
And when I thought she was immune to all the fear, and after she bravely endured the last test, it was just her and me. She finally began to cry and said, "Mommy, I want to go home now." So I held her and fortunately we were released shortly thereafter.
She still has the kidney reflux and it doesn't look like she's going to outgrow it. So there will be more tests. More pokes. Possibly a surgery. More bravery.
If only I could take her place...
But I can't and so I'm left with this impossible love found in every mom. I have to let her go through life with all it's ups and downs, heartaches and joys, pains and pleasures. And she'll grow and become more beautiful. We both will discover the character within her we won't know she had. She'll light this world for good. I've been given the front row seat of watching her, cheering her on, picking up the pieces and helping her be the girl, young lady and woman God has created her to be.
So much. And she's only 7.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
More than words...
Last night and into this morning and I find myself..."word-less", (if that's even a word!). That may seem to be a contradictory statement as I find myself blogging...words. But I have wanted to capture this moment somehow..... this is all I know....
Some events have lead me to this place, I think...
a nagging sense that my words to others have seemed empty...
a waiting for some next steps in my life....
a grieving of some things lost in my life...
a powerful, in explainable witness of life change in the lives of over a thousand...
an instruction to simplify a prayer...
a time of worship in community...
Last night I had no words to pray or to say. I had not much to say to others or my family....just wanted to be with them. As I reached for the radio as I drove, it felt loud and noisy and I was compelled to turn it off. When I was with others, if felt like my words were more to create a space and it was much better for me to be quiet and listen to my friend.
I cannot explain this and I will resist trying to. I will stop trying to learn the lesson, to create the practical application. I will resist translating this time into a ministry tool. And I will try to listen.
Listen. Observe. Watch. Engage. Be aware. Those are my "disciplines" today.
Knowing that my God knows my heart and our union is not dependent upon my words.
Knowing that my relationships with those I love most may better be served by my listening life.
Confident that I may see deeper than before.
I don't know. I have no more words.. :-)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Best Me....
My world shifted. Not in a traumatic way but more in a subtle everyday slow undetectable unnoticeable kind of way. And yesterday I realized that the surprise to me was not that it shifted but that I finally noticed it. My eyes were opened and I saw that I had been off.
Living from my center. What does that mean? I think it is one of those things we recognize more when we are not doing it than we are. But what center? What does that look like? Yesterday I woke up just feeling off. Like I had been on a conveyor belt, a people mover, and was just going where it led me. It happens so subtly. I know that the demands of my world keep me there. There are so many things I am responsible for I seldom stop. I just keep meeting those needs. But I also know that when I feel overwhelmed with what I think I am to carry, I can retreat into a robotic kind of life where I just go through my routine and do the things I need to do and I neglect the centered heart that I long to live by.
When I think of a centered place, I imagine the BEST me I can. We all have that image of ourselves. It's us on our best days. I like this woman. I would want to be friends with her. She's funny and energetic and full of life. She brings light and levity and encouragement to her world. She's optimistic and hopeful and loving. She's passionate and truthful and confident. She fights against unkindness and injustice. She's not easily swayed by circumstances but steadfast in who she is. She's comfortable in her own skin. She knows who she is and she lays aside who she isn't. She smiles. She's good and Godly.
That's my centered me. That description of me is the result of me pursuing centeredness. It means for me having a moment at the beginning of my day, when I feel like I am at the starting line of today's race, to pause and think and write and allow my heart to slow and my fears to silence and the demands to quiet. Before the gun goes off, I must stop before my Father who meets me here in my thinking and my writing and gently leads me to His heart, my center. My Father who adores me and loves me leads me today.
I have realized in this life, at this time of my life, I must do this everyday. I am much too swerve-y on my own. So today I pause and I pursue the Center and I look for this best me.
And the race begins today. Tonight when I lay down my head on my pillow when I cross today's finish line, I want to rest in knowing I was that me I long to be. It's all I have to bring to this life. I want to live it well.
So who is your best you? I need her or him. The world needs your best you. Let that person loose today.
The gun just went off... the race has begun.
Living from my center. What does that mean? I think it is one of those things we recognize more when we are not doing it than we are. But what center? What does that look like? Yesterday I woke up just feeling off. Like I had been on a conveyor belt, a people mover, and was just going where it led me. It happens so subtly. I know that the demands of my world keep me there. There are so many things I am responsible for I seldom stop. I just keep meeting those needs. But I also know that when I feel overwhelmed with what I think I am to carry, I can retreat into a robotic kind of life where I just go through my routine and do the things I need to do and I neglect the centered heart that I long to live by.
When I think of a centered place, I imagine the BEST me I can. We all have that image of ourselves. It's us on our best days. I like this woman. I would want to be friends with her. She's funny and energetic and full of life. She brings light and levity and encouragement to her world. She's optimistic and hopeful and loving. She's passionate and truthful and confident. She fights against unkindness and injustice. She's not easily swayed by circumstances but steadfast in who she is. She's comfortable in her own skin. She knows who she is and she lays aside who she isn't. She smiles. She's good and Godly.
That's my centered me. That description of me is the result of me pursuing centeredness. It means for me having a moment at the beginning of my day, when I feel like I am at the starting line of today's race, to pause and think and write and allow my heart to slow and my fears to silence and the demands to quiet. Before the gun goes off, I must stop before my Father who meets me here in my thinking and my writing and gently leads me to His heart, my center. My Father who adores me and loves me leads me today.
I have realized in this life, at this time of my life, I must do this everyday. I am much too swerve-y on my own. So today I pause and I pursue the Center and I look for this best me.
And the race begins today. Tonight when I lay down my head on my pillow when I cross today's finish line, I want to rest in knowing I was that me I long to be. It's all I have to bring to this life. I want to live it well.
So who is your best you? I need her or him. The world needs your best you. Let that person loose today.
The gun just went off... the race has begun.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Followup....
Sometimes the best arguments are the ones you have with yourselves. As I reflect over my last writing, I realize there is one element I neglected to consider and acknowledge.
The military uses the term collateral damage as "Unintentional or incidental injury or damage to persons or objects that would not be .....targets" (editing mine). I think of those people who have gotten hurt in the way of a goal or mission that was unintended.
I may have committed some collateral damage. I speak of our kids and a young generation who's plight in life has nothing to do with them. I speak of children whom I see almost everyday in the school's who go home to difficult challenges and pain which they simply inherited. I speak of a young generation who after working themselves through school and see their education as a way out and a new beginning find themselves in the highest unemployment rate since the late 70's. And my previous words do not speak to them.
In fact, they may be the fresh generation we are all looking towards for real change. Change that reflects real situations and answers, based on those values forged in the valley of tough times and pain. We call the previous generation the "Greatest Generation" because they lived through some of this history's darkest times and became the people to lead. I believe this young generation is living that now and we'll get to watch the leadership they provide because of the character built now.
Let's give them a chance.
The military uses the term collateral damage as "Unintentional or incidental injury or damage to persons or objects that would not be .....targets" (editing mine). I think of those people who have gotten hurt in the way of a goal or mission that was unintended.
I may have committed some collateral damage. I speak of our kids and a young generation who's plight in life has nothing to do with them. I speak of children whom I see almost everyday in the school's who go home to difficult challenges and pain which they simply inherited. I speak of a young generation who after working themselves through school and see their education as a way out and a new beginning find themselves in the highest unemployment rate since the late 70's. And my previous words do not speak to them.
In fact, they may be the fresh generation we are all looking towards for real change. Change that reflects real situations and answers, based on those values forged in the valley of tough times and pain. We call the previous generation the "Greatest Generation" because they lived through some of this history's darkest times and became the people to lead. I believe this young generation is living that now and we'll get to watch the leadership they provide because of the character built now.
Let's give them a chance.
The Fear of Freedom....
As I listen to the unending release of the news of President Obama's and Congress' stimulus package, I feel 2 emotions:
1) Gratitude. Gratitude that something is in progress from our leadership to address the economic crisis that has so many struggling and worrying. This is no longer an abstract situation. Probably all of us know people who have been laid off or their salary cut because businesses are closing. We drive around our streets and see so many not just Mom and Pop businesses with "Going out of Business" signs, but major stores that reflect our capitalistic society. Walk around a mall some day and it will be a leisurely walk because no one is there. Everyone is cutting back and saving all they possibly can because the future seems so unsure. And in times of crisis we naturally look to the desk where the "buck stops" and seek leadership and answers. At times during the last administration, when gas prices seemed to rise without reason, when children continued to come home to grieving parents because their children gave the ultimate sacrifice, when Hurricane Katrina turned our shores into a wasteland in which we liken to third world countries, and when corporate CEOs are awarded immoral bonuses without apparent social or business conscience, we longed to see leadership address these issues and do something. And we felt disappointment. So as Congress passes legislation without much resistance, a part of me is grateful to see something progressing towards change.
However...
The second thought I think and feel is a realization how truly our country in this generation has a fear of freedom. I think this for a couple of reasons:
This generation has witnessed first hand how economic freedom has run a muck. Greed is the dark side of capitalism. A lack of social responsibility leads the motive when greed and money are the goal.
This generation was also raised in a time of great prosperity and is now at a disadvantage because accepting a minimum wage job to work through school and buying a junker with cash instead of making payments seems so backward. Then they reap the consequences. They cannot afford what they want and grew up with and don't have the old school values and character to get it. Ask our grandfathers and anyone who came from another country with nothing (like my father) and ask them how they made a living and a life. They will tell you what it took and I wonder if we in this generation has it within us to do the same. And even though we witnessed this character in our generations before us, we have been seduced by prosperity and now feel deceived because of our own traps of greed and lack of self-control. So we see clearly the dark side of our system.
We now seek leadership to save us from ourselves. We don't know how to handle our freedoms so we long to be led. And we sacrifice our freedoms to be led.
For a long time now, our government will be telling us how to spend money. They will tell us how to run our business. They will actually running our banks and creating our jobs. The government sector will be the place to be for first rate competitive jobs. Essentially, we all will be working for the government and we are all OK with this because we will be taken care of. The worry of having to make so many decisions for ourselves will be gone. We will not be forced to contend with fiscal responsibility and to stretch to grow in character to build our earthly destiny. We no longer will have to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. And we feel relief and are grateful.
Freedom is a heavy burden to carry.
The results of this last election show how many of us are screaming for leadership and are willing to forgo our freedoms to receive it.
This is nothing new in human history. Centuries ago, a people set apart for God's own possession didn't want to be led by a loving and just Father. They screamed for a king so they could be like "all the other nations" and gave up the community that God wanted to have with them. So God granted them earthly kings to lead them as His heart broke. Some kings were good and just. Others in powerful positions abused and wrecked the people and the nation. When we choose to forgo our personal responsibility before God and others, we take the gamble that the persons who lead us will be either just or unjust. And when the longing to be led is overwhelmingly stronger then the desire for freedom, we take the gamble.
Over 200 years ago, this country took a chance on a people being governed by their own. The dream that we would be able to lead ourselves in a country built on shared values in our Declaration was worth giving their lives for. It would have to be advanced citizenship. We would all have to possess a moral center that would keep our greed and social irresponsibility in check and walk the balance beam between personal achievement and community accountability. It was a Declaration of Independence. National independence from a governing country and the pursuit of personal independence. That we are all created and endowed with the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe we have accomplished it for decades. And we have become a great nation. But I believe, just as all societies have turned, we may have begun to swore off those values and are beginning to retreat from our freedoms. It may be necessary for we have not been all that great with the responsibilities given to us by the people who have gone before us. It may be necessary change to save us from ourselves. But I wonder how long will it take before the cry for freedom rings again and another social revolution happens. When we remember we were created to be free.
It is too soon to evaluate what this period in history has done. Will this period be a time of "emergency treatment" so we can be healed and restored to our country's dream? Or will this be the new USA? Based on the past election, we have taken that gamble. Not just by the results, but by the energy, the passion, and the results of ALL who have taken office.
May we all pause as change comes and reflect and respond.
1) Gratitude. Gratitude that something is in progress from our leadership to address the economic crisis that has so many struggling and worrying. This is no longer an abstract situation. Probably all of us know people who have been laid off or their salary cut because businesses are closing. We drive around our streets and see so many not just Mom and Pop businesses with "Going out of Business" signs, but major stores that reflect our capitalistic society. Walk around a mall some day and it will be a leisurely walk because no one is there. Everyone is cutting back and saving all they possibly can because the future seems so unsure. And in times of crisis we naturally look to the desk where the "buck stops" and seek leadership and answers. At times during the last administration, when gas prices seemed to rise without reason, when children continued to come home to grieving parents because their children gave the ultimate sacrifice, when Hurricane Katrina turned our shores into a wasteland in which we liken to third world countries, and when corporate CEOs are awarded immoral bonuses without apparent social or business conscience, we longed to see leadership address these issues and do something. And we felt disappointment. So as Congress passes legislation without much resistance, a part of me is grateful to see something progressing towards change.
However...
The second thought I think and feel is a realization how truly our country in this generation has a fear of freedom. I think this for a couple of reasons:
This generation has witnessed first hand how economic freedom has run a muck. Greed is the dark side of capitalism. A lack of social responsibility leads the motive when greed and money are the goal.
This generation was also raised in a time of great prosperity and is now at a disadvantage because accepting a minimum wage job to work through school and buying a junker with cash instead of making payments seems so backward. Then they reap the consequences. They cannot afford what they want and grew up with and don't have the old school values and character to get it. Ask our grandfathers and anyone who came from another country with nothing (like my father) and ask them how they made a living and a life. They will tell you what it took and I wonder if we in this generation has it within us to do the same. And even though we witnessed this character in our generations before us, we have been seduced by prosperity and now feel deceived because of our own traps of greed and lack of self-control. So we see clearly the dark side of our system.
We now seek leadership to save us from ourselves. We don't know how to handle our freedoms so we long to be led. And we sacrifice our freedoms to be led.
For a long time now, our government will be telling us how to spend money. They will tell us how to run our business. They will actually running our banks and creating our jobs. The government sector will be the place to be for first rate competitive jobs. Essentially, we all will be working for the government and we are all OK with this because we will be taken care of. The worry of having to make so many decisions for ourselves will be gone. We will not be forced to contend with fiscal responsibility and to stretch to grow in character to build our earthly destiny. We no longer will have to pull ourselves up by our boot straps. And we feel relief and are grateful.
Freedom is a heavy burden to carry.
The results of this last election show how many of us are screaming for leadership and are willing to forgo our freedoms to receive it.
This is nothing new in human history. Centuries ago, a people set apart for God's own possession didn't want to be led by a loving and just Father. They screamed for a king so they could be like "all the other nations" and gave up the community that God wanted to have with them. So God granted them earthly kings to lead them as His heart broke. Some kings were good and just. Others in powerful positions abused and wrecked the people and the nation. When we choose to forgo our personal responsibility before God and others, we take the gamble that the persons who lead us will be either just or unjust. And when the longing to be led is overwhelmingly stronger then the desire for freedom, we take the gamble.
Over 200 years ago, this country took a chance on a people being governed by their own. The dream that we would be able to lead ourselves in a country built on shared values in our Declaration was worth giving their lives for. It would have to be advanced citizenship. We would all have to possess a moral center that would keep our greed and social irresponsibility in check and walk the balance beam between personal achievement and community accountability. It was a Declaration of Independence. National independence from a governing country and the pursuit of personal independence. That we are all created and endowed with the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
I believe we have accomplished it for decades. And we have become a great nation. But I believe, just as all societies have turned, we may have begun to swore off those values and are beginning to retreat from our freedoms. It may be necessary for we have not been all that great with the responsibilities given to us by the people who have gone before us. It may be necessary change to save us from ourselves. But I wonder how long will it take before the cry for freedom rings again and another social revolution happens. When we remember we were created to be free.
It is too soon to evaluate what this period in history has done. Will this period be a time of "emergency treatment" so we can be healed and restored to our country's dream? Or will this be the new USA? Based on the past election, we have taken that gamble. Not just by the results, but by the energy, the passion, and the results of ALL who have taken office.
May we all pause as change comes and reflect and respond.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
By the shoreline...
I was sitting in church a little while back listening to a message about Jesus. Not too surprising that they would be talking about Jesus, huh? But it was about Jesus. Him. His life. Walking around Palestine in the early first century. Him. The Person. The human. I felt like I was watching a biography of a man. As I listened to the message, I imagined myself in the scenes. I could see the sea of Galilee. I saw the fisherman and their nets coming back from a catch. I imagined the people following closely trying to hear what Jesus was saying. I have my own picture of what Jesus may have looked liked. It's different for all of us, but for me I have this image of a tall, lean, dark haired man which is probably an amalgam of all the movie star Jesus' I have seen in my life. But unlike the movies, this Jesus is unusually approachable. Touchable. That in his very eyes you can tell He's genuinely glad to see you. Like an old friend that no matter how much time has gone by, you pick up right where you left off. I like this Jesus I see as I listen.
The pastor goes on to retell a story of Jesus calling Peter as a follower. That something in that call was so compelling, Peter left everything to follow him. Maybe it also was something in Peter's past or present that contributed to that act of utter abandonment. Maybe fishing just wasn't doing it for Peter. Oh, it made a living. Got him out on the sea waters everyday. Fishing made him strong and gave him his place in the world he lived in. It was a fine life. Until....
Until another option was presented before him and his eyes were open to another life. Another calling. Another adventure. And Peter would never be able to go back to his old worldview. There. Now. There IS something more. There CAN be more. And it was all wrapped up in the voice of this strange man from Nazareth. Follow Me, Jesus says.
As I listened to the speaker, my eyes filled with tears. Tears from a place that had not fallen for such a long time. For now I was standing on the shore. And Jesus was looking at me and calling me to follow Him... again. I came to a decision about Jesus when I was 13. I began to follow Jesus. My life and how I saw life and people and relationships and my purpose were never the same. I began an adventure of knowing that as I walked with Jesus, in places He would go, I was walking a different path than what my limited vision could imagine before. All of a sudden, my conversations and decisions and how I treated people and how I spent my time diverted unto a new path.
For almost 30 years I have walked this path. Stumbling at times. Struggling with the direction the path went. At times feeling utterly alone in it. But also experiencing the highest of mountain tops that it was hard to imagine anything better. Being on the front lines of seeing eternal life change and knowing that God loved me so much that He gave me a small part in it.
And after all those years, when it would be easy to fall into a "I've got this down" attitude about walking with Jesus...when some would sum up the mystery of this adventure in 10 easy steps... I sat amazed again at the truth as I stood there on the shoreline. Not feeling like I had many impressive things to bring to the table, Jesus was looking at me and asking me again.. follow Me. I am amazed at the power in His words. I am comforted by the gentleness with which He says them. I am filled by the love through which they are communicated. And I feel the choseness which I am being invited into.
Follow Me, He says. I'm not going to tell you where we are headed all the time.
Follow Me. I'm not going to promise you that it will be painless or you will leave unscathed.
Follow Me. I will not promise you popularity or world influence or position or power.
Follow Me. I will lead. I will walk with you. I am here. I choose you.
Follow Me.
And today, again, I drop my nets and follow. Thanks, Jesus.
The pastor goes on to retell a story of Jesus calling Peter as a follower. That something in that call was so compelling, Peter left everything to follow him. Maybe it also was something in Peter's past or present that contributed to that act of utter abandonment. Maybe fishing just wasn't doing it for Peter. Oh, it made a living. Got him out on the sea waters everyday. Fishing made him strong and gave him his place in the world he lived in. It was a fine life. Until....
Until another option was presented before him and his eyes were open to another life. Another calling. Another adventure. And Peter would never be able to go back to his old worldview. There. Now. There IS something more. There CAN be more. And it was all wrapped up in the voice of this strange man from Nazareth. Follow Me, Jesus says.
As I listened to the speaker, my eyes filled with tears. Tears from a place that had not fallen for such a long time. For now I was standing on the shore. And Jesus was looking at me and calling me to follow Him... again. I came to a decision about Jesus when I was 13. I began to follow Jesus. My life and how I saw life and people and relationships and my purpose were never the same. I began an adventure of knowing that as I walked with Jesus, in places He would go, I was walking a different path than what my limited vision could imagine before. All of a sudden, my conversations and decisions and how I treated people and how I spent my time diverted unto a new path.
For almost 30 years I have walked this path. Stumbling at times. Struggling with the direction the path went. At times feeling utterly alone in it. But also experiencing the highest of mountain tops that it was hard to imagine anything better. Being on the front lines of seeing eternal life change and knowing that God loved me so much that He gave me a small part in it.
And after all those years, when it would be easy to fall into a "I've got this down" attitude about walking with Jesus...when some would sum up the mystery of this adventure in 10 easy steps... I sat amazed again at the truth as I stood there on the shoreline. Not feeling like I had many impressive things to bring to the table, Jesus was looking at me and asking me again.. follow Me. I am amazed at the power in His words. I am comforted by the gentleness with which He says them. I am filled by the love through which they are communicated. And I feel the choseness which I am being invited into.
Follow Me, He says. I'm not going to tell you where we are headed all the time.
Follow Me. I'm not going to promise you that it will be painless or you will leave unscathed.
Follow Me. I will not promise you popularity or world influence or position or power.
Follow Me. I will lead. I will walk with you. I am here. I choose you.
Follow Me.
And today, again, I drop my nets and follow. Thanks, Jesus.
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