My littlest one, Corinne, has this saying that has become such a regular part of her vocabulary. Often she will come to me, dance around and inform me that she needs to go "potty". I tell her, "Go, honey..." then she will say it... "I want you to come...." So I run down to the kids' bathroom with her, she sits down and says, "Sit here, mommy". (She is referring to the edge of the bathtub, just for clarification!) Sometimes I stay. Sometimes I tell her I'll be in the kitchen, or folding laundry or doing something, oh so important. But she always asks. Always tells me, "I want you to come." Corinne doesn't need me to help her. She is fully capable of going potty on her own. But she wants me to be there. My presence. To be with her.
Corinne has a tough time when she goes to a class by herself, to church school by herself, when I have to leave to work or shop or whatever and she will be home with Nana or Grandma. She won't go into dance class and I had to sit with her in her preschool class for the first 3 weeks. We eventually dropped both of those! She doesn't like it when I am not there. If I were truly honest, which I will be here, I wish it wasn't always so tough to leave her. To leave her when Matt and I go out for a date night, or to small group, or I am teaching. I wish we could avoid the tears and the difficult prying of fingers off of me. I wish I could drop her off at Sunday school without the emotion and just be able to sit through the service wondering if the beeper will go off because she was crying. Oh, she's fine 2 minutes after I leave her. I'm hardly off the driveway and my mom tells me she's playing and laughing and being her silly self. Her teachers at church tell me the same thing. I know it's good for her to spend time with her grandparents and be a part of different things, but we still go through this everytime!
"I want you to come..."
Presence. I was thinking today, 2 days before we celebrate the birth of Jesus, the promised Savior, that presence may actually be the greatest gift to give. Jesus was foretold that His name would be Emmanuel. God with us. That our Heavenly Father knew our greatest need would be met through God coming near. That just His very presence, in the form of that little vulnerable baby would bring us hope and peace and comfort.
Isn't it true that when life is hard and cloudy and strangely unfamiliar, like finding yourself on a road you've never been before, that just the very presence of another who loves you is comforting? That when pain hits, just having someone there makes all the difference? I found that out again these past several weeks that even though no one could change my situation or make the fear go, just their presence gave me rungs on my ladder of hope and kept me climbing. And when life is full of celebration, we long for the presence of close ones to multiply the joy. Presence.
So in this season with so much talk of presents, maybe the focus should be on presence. Our greatest need being met through one another and through the ultimate gift of a Loving Father. Jesus. Emmanuel. God with us. Presence.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Christmas 2008
Well, I've decided to do a "blog" Christmas letter instead of a paper one in our Christmas cards. Just me trying to live a little more "green". (Not really, I'm just trying to save money, but will not really end up saving money because of our 80 Christmas cards about to go in the mail!)
2008 is coming to an end and if you are like me, you are wondering where it went. It took me until about September and in reading a great book I was finally convinced to slow down. Oh, I don't mean "slow down" like learning to say "no" or getting a better time management system. I mean the kind that truly rests your spirit. Rests your mind and heart and makes you finally see clearly, like putting on a pair of glasses and seeing clearer than you ever thought because you didn't even know you had a vision problem. (Which actually was my experience in the 6th grade!)
My brother Chris, over a year ago, left a lucrative position with Royal Caribbean and began a new journey. He realized his life was slipping away and he had no real connections with people or family. He went back to school and is now in the second track of workshops as a Certified Yoga Instructor. Because this doesn't pay a whole lot in the beginning, Chris came to live with us. I never saw a more contented and peaceful person. Truly. He is really living out of his "center". Why do I say this? It is because of my daily interaction with him, I began to look at the whirlwind I had been living. Oh, I could sum it up to having 3 little ones and a household to run, and did I mention I became a licensed Substitute Teacher this year as well? But it was deeper than that. I became envious in a good way of my brother's pace of life and began to pursue it as best I could.
So, in my reflective way, this is the Quillin's 2008... Here goes!
Matt, my husband. My patient and forgiving husband turned 40 this year. He continues to work extremely hard and long as the VP and Field Superintendent for Vazzana Underground. His commitment to his team of operators and laborers leads me to continue to admire him. He takes calls at all hours and still responds with great commitment to his company. He didn't want a big birthday shindig so we got away on the Strip for a weekend and saw Danny Gans and Rita Rudner and just enjoyed being together in some unrushed time. He continues to bring us to the Dumont Sand Dunes where his kids' ability in riding quads is making him very proud. We continue to be very devoted to our Couples' Small Group every other Friday night and he shared his woodworking skills this past year with our group as he created small plaques reminding us all that there is truly "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He still is a better cook and cleaner than I but I think he has settled into that fact and complains less and less every year. We celebrated our 8th anniversary this year and our 11th trip to the NFR (National Finals Rodeo) here in town where we first met on a blind date in 1998. I am blessed to have him and his love which he demonstrates so freely. 3 words that describe Matt? Reliable, Unpredictable, and Funny.
Cosette began 1st grade this fall. She was awarded her 2 medals at the end of Kindergarten for reading and writing. She remains a home body and loves to play princess and Barbie and make believe and hang with her family. She's quite a little performer and is a friend to anyone (which to be honest makes me very nervous!). I have been trying to get her in dance classes again but she doesn't like the dark stage since her last recital. Possibly piano lessons this year?? She was picked to have a part of the traveling Missoula Children's Theater in April. She was one of the little "rats" in the retelling of "The Pied Piper". She did very well and can see the stage in her future someday. She loves to help in the kitchen and probably will be a great chef someday too. She made straight A honor roll this year and gets in trouble sometimes for being too social. I treasure her and am so proud. We held her 7th birthday at the opening weekend of High School Musical 3 with her classmates. It was a highlight of her year. She is also a Daisy Girl Scout and for the first time the Daisies will be selling cookies in the spring which I am excited and not excited about. If you need cookies this spring, you know where to come! Cosette also has a great small group leader at church, Miss Emily and faithfully, each week Cosette receives a card in the mail. I cannot tell you what a blessing Emily has been to Cosette. 3 words to describe Cosette? Dramatic, Friendly, and Smart.
Cole turned 5 this year and began Kindergarten. His birthday is right at the cutoff and I had wrestled all spring about putting him in school or holding him back a year. He didn't really have preschool and he had been so clingy to me whenever we separated. I thought maybe he needed another year at home for social reasons but I have always thought it is good to challenge forward, so we sent him. He was fine the first day while we were getting settled in but when I went to leave, he came after me and began crying. My heart sank. I hugged him tight and Mrs. Lind, who is an incredible Kindergarten teacher and whom Cosette had last year, gently took him by the hand. Those next 2 1/2 hours were torture for me! When I picked him up, he RAN out with a huge smile on his face and I have never heard my son talk so fast! He was really excited and has done so well ever since. He was even picked as Newton Navigator for the month of December, which is kind of a "Camper of the Week" kind of award! He was really proud. He has made some new friends in school. Cole played t-ball this spring with his little sister on the team as well. He did pretty well and will play coaches pitch this winter. Cole also learned to swim underwater this summer. He's become quite the fish! He is a little daredevil on his quad as he proves every time we head for the dunes. He's so much like his daddy. Methodical, inquisitive, good with his hands, loves to build and fix things. Still so cuddly and loving. He also has a great small group at church and learning so much about God. You should hear him pray! 3 words to describe Cole? Routine, energetic, sensitive.
Corinne. Well what can you say about our littlest one? She keeps us laughing all the time. She wants to keep up with her brother and sister and so she seems older than she is. She played t-ball in the spring and she loved to hit but when it came to fielding, she would rather pick the dandelions in the field. Dora the explorer has been her passion. And as you can see from my profile pic, she became Dora for Halloween this year! She was to start a small preschool in the fall but she was put on a waiting list. So we have spent a lot of our school mornings together, getting breakfast, going shopping, watching Dora. I have so enjoyed this quiet time with her. She's used to wait for things, wait for her mom's attention as the youngest and so this time has been really special. She learned to swim this summer and I am so glad to be in the pool with 3 little swimmers! Corinne has finally been willing to go into her class at church which is nice for Matt and I to be able to go to "big church" and not hold a little wiggle worm! Corinne has quite the sweet tooth and when she went for her very first dentist appointment I was sure she would have at least 6 cavities. But no, there she was, cavity free! Thank God for small things! 3 words to describe Corinne? Playful, intelligent, carefree.
Me? Well, my world seems a lot the same. My days continue to be consumed with trying to make a good home, a loving home, a Godly home, and a funny home. I think we are all of those things but I am most thankful that we are a gracious home. We need a lot of grace in this house and we need to lean on a lot of grace as well! I found a couple of part time jobs this summer to help with our summer utility bills. I worked as a merchandiser for Macy's at the Fashion Show Mall along with some other stores. It was mindless work and truly just one for a paycheck, but I liked being out of the house and in Macy's even if I was just stocking men's underwear! But after several weeks of that I realized if I was going to work, I wanted to be a part of something that made some kind of difference. With my mom's commitment to help with the kids this fall, I went and got my sub licence to teach in the school district. After orientation, I felt like this was the right place for me even though I had no formal teaching experience or training in the public schools. My first full day of teaching was at a school in the northeast part of the valley. When I got there, the office gave me the key to the classroom and pointed down the hall. That was it! I was on my own. After reading quickly through the days plans, it was time to go pick up the 5th graders on the playground and I was so nervous I was truly thinking of faking an illness and going home! But I bucked up and went to meet the kids. And the rest was history. I so enjoyed my day, I called my mom and Matt at my break and exclaimed, "I LOVE this!" It felt so good to be in a place where it fit like a glove. I don't know if anyone has ever told you but motherhood can really feed into any smoldering insecurities you may have. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. But sometimes it just feels good to do a good job and know you did a good job!
Not every assignment has gone that well, but I always leave with a feeling of fulfillment and like I did something that day. And that is good.
I also was invited into ministry with 2 good friends who lead the Jr. High ministry at church. Speaking a couple of times and doing some leadership encouragement with the women leaders has been good. I continue to volunteer at the school whenever I can.
This fall brought me to a new place of faith and courage. In mid October, there was the real possibility that something was wrong inside my right breast. I went to see the doctor, had the tests, and the writing was on the wall, or the diagnostic report if you will. There was a high suspicion of a malignancy. I felt stiller, like I couldn't move, yet knowing I had to continue on with my world. My life. My God. After about 3 days of letting fear overwhelm me, I got up early before anyone and I sat with my Bible and journal and I think I opened to Ezra, not because of any spiritual wisdom but because I realized I never had read Ezra and I was looking for something new. Through that morning time, God and I made the decision to live. Not live because I was dying, but because I wanted to live more fuller, more intently, more honestly, and with more fun! And that made a huge difference into every appointment and reading every report. This week I will go for a biopsy to tell me what's really going on with the report coming back a week before Christmas and truly I feel at peace. Not because everything for sure is fine, but because I do not feel afraid right now and I have been blessed with great friends and family and a Great God.
Some quick highlights of this year? Trip to Colorado Springs... Several of our weekends to Dumont Dunes...Jaime and Phil's wedding in Tampa (it would take 2 more letters to write why this was so special to me!)... Walt Disney World with mom and dad and my sister's family... Kennedy Space Center...Speaking at Jr. High Leadership Retreat in January...Performing Jordan and Brie's wedding in Salt Lake City...Swimming all summer with the kids...Dates with Matt... Watching my kids grow more beautiful everyday....Great friends...a good God.
So if you made it this far, that's our year in a few several paragraphs! I pray this Christmas more than anything you experience the richness of the love God has for you and how incredibly special you are. I pray also in 2009, that God gives you even clearer eyes, a more larger heart, and a deeper peace in what God has in store for you. Thank you for the richness of your friendship and I pray I can return the favor to a more greater extent.
From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
Love, The Quillins... Matt, Mary, Cosette, Cole and Corinne
2008 is coming to an end and if you are like me, you are wondering where it went. It took me until about September and in reading a great book I was finally convinced to slow down. Oh, I don't mean "slow down" like learning to say "no" or getting a better time management system. I mean the kind that truly rests your spirit. Rests your mind and heart and makes you finally see clearly, like putting on a pair of glasses and seeing clearer than you ever thought because you didn't even know you had a vision problem. (Which actually was my experience in the 6th grade!)
My brother Chris, over a year ago, left a lucrative position with Royal Caribbean and began a new journey. He realized his life was slipping away and he had no real connections with people or family. He went back to school and is now in the second track of workshops as a Certified Yoga Instructor. Because this doesn't pay a whole lot in the beginning, Chris came to live with us. I never saw a more contented and peaceful person. Truly. He is really living out of his "center". Why do I say this? It is because of my daily interaction with him, I began to look at the whirlwind I had been living. Oh, I could sum it up to having 3 little ones and a household to run, and did I mention I became a licensed Substitute Teacher this year as well? But it was deeper than that. I became envious in a good way of my brother's pace of life and began to pursue it as best I could.
So, in my reflective way, this is the Quillin's 2008... Here goes!
Matt, my husband. My patient and forgiving husband turned 40 this year. He continues to work extremely hard and long as the VP and Field Superintendent for Vazzana Underground. His commitment to his team of operators and laborers leads me to continue to admire him. He takes calls at all hours and still responds with great commitment to his company. He didn't want a big birthday shindig so we got away on the Strip for a weekend and saw Danny Gans and Rita Rudner and just enjoyed being together in some unrushed time. He continues to bring us to the Dumont Sand Dunes where his kids' ability in riding quads is making him very proud. We continue to be very devoted to our Couples' Small Group every other Friday night and he shared his woodworking skills this past year with our group as he created small plaques reminding us all that there is truly "no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." He still is a better cook and cleaner than I but I think he has settled into that fact and complains less and less every year. We celebrated our 8th anniversary this year and our 11th trip to the NFR (National Finals Rodeo) here in town where we first met on a blind date in 1998. I am blessed to have him and his love which he demonstrates so freely. 3 words that describe Matt? Reliable, Unpredictable, and Funny.
Cosette began 1st grade this fall. She was awarded her 2 medals at the end of Kindergarten for reading and writing. She remains a home body and loves to play princess and Barbie and make believe and hang with her family. She's quite a little performer and is a friend to anyone (which to be honest makes me very nervous!). I have been trying to get her in dance classes again but she doesn't like the dark stage since her last recital. Possibly piano lessons this year?? She was picked to have a part of the traveling Missoula Children's Theater in April. She was one of the little "rats" in the retelling of "The Pied Piper". She did very well and can see the stage in her future someday. She loves to help in the kitchen and probably will be a great chef someday too. She made straight A honor roll this year and gets in trouble sometimes for being too social. I treasure her and am so proud. We held her 7th birthday at the opening weekend of High School Musical 3 with her classmates. It was a highlight of her year. She is also a Daisy Girl Scout and for the first time the Daisies will be selling cookies in the spring which I am excited and not excited about. If you need cookies this spring, you know where to come! Cosette also has a great small group leader at church, Miss Emily and faithfully, each week Cosette receives a card in the mail. I cannot tell you what a blessing Emily has been to Cosette. 3 words to describe Cosette? Dramatic, Friendly, and Smart.
Cole turned 5 this year and began Kindergarten. His birthday is right at the cutoff and I had wrestled all spring about putting him in school or holding him back a year. He didn't really have preschool and he had been so clingy to me whenever we separated. I thought maybe he needed another year at home for social reasons but I have always thought it is good to challenge forward, so we sent him. He was fine the first day while we were getting settled in but when I went to leave, he came after me and began crying. My heart sank. I hugged him tight and Mrs. Lind, who is an incredible Kindergarten teacher and whom Cosette had last year, gently took him by the hand. Those next 2 1/2 hours were torture for me! When I picked him up, he RAN out with a huge smile on his face and I have never heard my son talk so fast! He was really excited and has done so well ever since. He was even picked as Newton Navigator for the month of December, which is kind of a "Camper of the Week" kind of award! He was really proud. He has made some new friends in school. Cole played t-ball this spring with his little sister on the team as well. He did pretty well and will play coaches pitch this winter. Cole also learned to swim underwater this summer. He's become quite the fish! He is a little daredevil on his quad as he proves every time we head for the dunes. He's so much like his daddy. Methodical, inquisitive, good with his hands, loves to build and fix things. Still so cuddly and loving. He also has a great small group at church and learning so much about God. You should hear him pray! 3 words to describe Cole? Routine, energetic, sensitive.
Corinne. Well what can you say about our littlest one? She keeps us laughing all the time. She wants to keep up with her brother and sister and so she seems older than she is. She played t-ball in the spring and she loved to hit but when it came to fielding, she would rather pick the dandelions in the field. Dora the explorer has been her passion. And as you can see from my profile pic, she became Dora for Halloween this year! She was to start a small preschool in the fall but she was put on a waiting list. So we have spent a lot of our school mornings together, getting breakfast, going shopping, watching Dora. I have so enjoyed this quiet time with her. She's used to wait for things, wait for her mom's attention as the youngest and so this time has been really special. She learned to swim this summer and I am so glad to be in the pool with 3 little swimmers! Corinne has finally been willing to go into her class at church which is nice for Matt and I to be able to go to "big church" and not hold a little wiggle worm! Corinne has quite the sweet tooth and when she went for her very first dentist appointment I was sure she would have at least 6 cavities. But no, there she was, cavity free! Thank God for small things! 3 words to describe Corinne? Playful, intelligent, carefree.
Me? Well, my world seems a lot the same. My days continue to be consumed with trying to make a good home, a loving home, a Godly home, and a funny home. I think we are all of those things but I am most thankful that we are a gracious home. We need a lot of grace in this house and we need to lean on a lot of grace as well! I found a couple of part time jobs this summer to help with our summer utility bills. I worked as a merchandiser for Macy's at the Fashion Show Mall along with some other stores. It was mindless work and truly just one for a paycheck, but I liked being out of the house and in Macy's even if I was just stocking men's underwear! But after several weeks of that I realized if I was going to work, I wanted to be a part of something that made some kind of difference. With my mom's commitment to help with the kids this fall, I went and got my sub licence to teach in the school district. After orientation, I felt like this was the right place for me even though I had no formal teaching experience or training in the public schools. My first full day of teaching was at a school in the northeast part of the valley. When I got there, the office gave me the key to the classroom and pointed down the hall. That was it! I was on my own. After reading quickly through the days plans, it was time to go pick up the 5th graders on the playground and I was so nervous I was truly thinking of faking an illness and going home! But I bucked up and went to meet the kids. And the rest was history. I so enjoyed my day, I called my mom and Matt at my break and exclaimed, "I LOVE this!" It felt so good to be in a place where it fit like a glove. I don't know if anyone has ever told you but motherhood can really feed into any smoldering insecurities you may have. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. But sometimes it just feels good to do a good job and know you did a good job!
Not every assignment has gone that well, but I always leave with a feeling of fulfillment and like I did something that day. And that is good.
I also was invited into ministry with 2 good friends who lead the Jr. High ministry at church. Speaking a couple of times and doing some leadership encouragement with the women leaders has been good. I continue to volunteer at the school whenever I can.
This fall brought me to a new place of faith and courage. In mid October, there was the real possibility that something was wrong inside my right breast. I went to see the doctor, had the tests, and the writing was on the wall, or the diagnostic report if you will. There was a high suspicion of a malignancy. I felt stiller, like I couldn't move, yet knowing I had to continue on with my world. My life. My God. After about 3 days of letting fear overwhelm me, I got up early before anyone and I sat with my Bible and journal and I think I opened to Ezra, not because of any spiritual wisdom but because I realized I never had read Ezra and I was looking for something new. Through that morning time, God and I made the decision to live. Not live because I was dying, but because I wanted to live more fuller, more intently, more honestly, and with more fun! And that made a huge difference into every appointment and reading every report. This week I will go for a biopsy to tell me what's really going on with the report coming back a week before Christmas and truly I feel at peace. Not because everything for sure is fine, but because I do not feel afraid right now and I have been blessed with great friends and family and a Great God.
Some quick highlights of this year? Trip to Colorado Springs... Several of our weekends to Dumont Dunes...Jaime and Phil's wedding in Tampa (it would take 2 more letters to write why this was so special to me!)... Walt Disney World with mom and dad and my sister's family... Kennedy Space Center...Speaking at Jr. High Leadership Retreat in January...Performing Jordan and Brie's wedding in Salt Lake City...Swimming all summer with the kids...Dates with Matt... Watching my kids grow more beautiful everyday....Great friends...a good God.
So if you made it this far, that's our year in a few several paragraphs! I pray this Christmas more than anything you experience the richness of the love God has for you and how incredibly special you are. I pray also in 2009, that God gives you even clearer eyes, a more larger heart, and a deeper peace in what God has in store for you. Thank you for the richness of your friendship and I pray I can return the favor to a more greater extent.
From our family to yours, Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
Love, The Quillins... Matt, Mary, Cosette, Cole and Corinne
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Taking Deep Breaths...
For those of you who have followed this blog, received an email, or maybe have wondered about some of my Facebook updates, I will finally let the proverbial cat out of the bag of what's been going on in my world. If you don't know what I'm talking about, that's OK...I think I write more for my sanity and my desire to be more than just a hectic mom worrying about shoelaces and such!
In mid October, I discovered blood coming from my right breast. Over 15 years ago, my doctor told me that if I ever discovered that, he wanted me to be seen right away. We have a strong family history of breast cancer and everything has been fine...till then. I began being seen and having tests done and before our family vacation to Florida, the report came back that there was a high suspicious of intraductal malignancy. Ok, here we go. Not knowing what it all meant, we went on vacation and I breathed for a week. Putting it behind and making a choice to not let the fear paralyze me. But let's be honest. I was freaked. I looked at friends and family and my kids so intently. So preciously. And my God more honestly. More authentically. And it has been good.
Today, I got to see my surgeon. This was the appointment I had been waiting for. I walked into it knowing I may have quite a journey ahead of me. She came in, this pretty, stylish woman who looked at me, my tests and gave me a gift. She told me that the highly suspicious concern of cancer may have been premature. She wasn't sure why the report came back that way. She wants to do a biopsy in a couple of weeks and we'll know more. But I wish I could describe the reassurance she gave me. I left the office and my mom began talking about something and all I could do behind the wheel was...breathe.... then another big breath. Then another. My eyes filled as I never realized I had been holding my breath for over a month. My mom treated me to lemon loaf and a Venti passion fruit tea from Starbucks and my world opened up to me. The sky seemed brighter. My kids funnier. Each moment precious. And I am thankful. I feel like a prisoner released after being falsely imprisoned. Now, we are not completely over. The biopsy may still show some cells. But today, I am thankful. For so many things. I am enjoying this moment of reassurance and peace. God has been and will be faithful through all... but I'm so glad I'm right where I am now.
If you ever think of me, please pray for this upcoming biopsy. I will be glad to return the favor of prayer and friendship back to you.
Love to all... and Merry, Merry Christmas!
In mid October, I discovered blood coming from my right breast. Over 15 years ago, my doctor told me that if I ever discovered that, he wanted me to be seen right away. We have a strong family history of breast cancer and everything has been fine...till then. I began being seen and having tests done and before our family vacation to Florida, the report came back that there was a high suspicious of intraductal malignancy. Ok, here we go. Not knowing what it all meant, we went on vacation and I breathed for a week. Putting it behind and making a choice to not let the fear paralyze me. But let's be honest. I was freaked. I looked at friends and family and my kids so intently. So preciously. And my God more honestly. More authentically. And it has been good.
Today, I got to see my surgeon. This was the appointment I had been waiting for. I walked into it knowing I may have quite a journey ahead of me. She came in, this pretty, stylish woman who looked at me, my tests and gave me a gift. She told me that the highly suspicious concern of cancer may have been premature. She wasn't sure why the report came back that way. She wants to do a biopsy in a couple of weeks and we'll know more. But I wish I could describe the reassurance she gave me. I left the office and my mom began talking about something and all I could do behind the wheel was...breathe.... then another big breath. Then another. My eyes filled as I never realized I had been holding my breath for over a month. My mom treated me to lemon loaf and a Venti passion fruit tea from Starbucks and my world opened up to me. The sky seemed brighter. My kids funnier. Each moment precious. And I am thankful. I feel like a prisoner released after being falsely imprisoned. Now, we are not completely over. The biopsy may still show some cells. But today, I am thankful. For so many things. I am enjoying this moment of reassurance and peace. God has been and will be faithful through all... but I'm so glad I'm right where I am now.
If you ever think of me, please pray for this upcoming biopsy. I will be glad to return the favor of prayer and friendship back to you.
Love to all... and Merry, Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Wandering places
Today I woke up with an intense desire to go back to sleep! I know all of some of the habits in a believer's life that we should place into practice in order to stay mentally and emotionally and physically and spiritually healthy. I know those things. But this morning I just wanted to go back to bed. My heart was leading the day and my heart was low. I felt down. Tired. Depressed even. Really not caring about anything. I have come to believe that my 3 children are a gift to me to keep me in the real world at times. For this contemplative spirit, this personality is much more prone to discouragement than power. My kids get me going, even if it's just through the motions. But my mood bothered me. I went down a mental checklist of what could be contributing to this emotion: lack of sleep, just came off a week of the flu, Matt's and my argument yesterday, a reflection on our community or lack there of, my missing my family in this holiday season and a potential health scare. But I couldn't just chalk it up to these situations, I just wanted to BE in this place. God seemed so far. So distant. So unable to break through this shell of meloncholy. What to do?
When I cannot seem to open my emotional first aid box and do a quick fix, I feel stuck. And I felt stuck today. So I have to be in it. Even if that means showing a side of me that people may be uncomfortable with. Even if that means praying those wandering kinds of prayers. Not the ones of great power and spirit. But those mind searching, rambling kinds of prayers that I don't feel very spiritual in. An ongoing kind of "are you there God?" "do these prayers really honor You?" "I don't have anything to offer You" kinds of prayers.
I truly don't know how God views these places in my heart. But I lean into the truth that it's OK with Him even if it's not OK with me or with others who depend and need me. I have to believe it's OK before my Heavenly Father or else I have no where else to go. As I flipped through my CD choices in my car, I stumbled upon Brennan Manning's words in prayer as He prayed to Jesus and asked Him to remove anything that inhibits our coming to know the Father in this very moment. And my eyes filled, my heart rested and I took comfort knowing that my Jesus was praying to the Father on my behalf. In my imagination, I see Jesus talking to the Father about me. Lovingly. Compassionately. With concern. With hope. With a smile. I wonder if I will ever give myself permission to truly just be. For that is what Jesus gave to me today. I want to be that to my world.
When I cannot seem to open my emotional first aid box and do a quick fix, I feel stuck. And I felt stuck today. So I have to be in it. Even if that means showing a side of me that people may be uncomfortable with. Even if that means praying those wandering kinds of prayers. Not the ones of great power and spirit. But those mind searching, rambling kinds of prayers that I don't feel very spiritual in. An ongoing kind of "are you there God?" "do these prayers really honor You?" "I don't have anything to offer You" kinds of prayers.
I truly don't know how God views these places in my heart. But I lean into the truth that it's OK with Him even if it's not OK with me or with others who depend and need me. I have to believe it's OK before my Heavenly Father or else I have no where else to go. As I flipped through my CD choices in my car, I stumbled upon Brennan Manning's words in prayer as He prayed to Jesus and asked Him to remove anything that inhibits our coming to know the Father in this very moment. And my eyes filled, my heart rested and I took comfort knowing that my Jesus was praying to the Father on my behalf. In my imagination, I see Jesus talking to the Father about me. Lovingly. Compassionately. With concern. With hope. With a smile. I wonder if I will ever give myself permission to truly just be. For that is what Jesus gave to me today. I want to be that to my world.
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